Oh my!

Blimey, I knew that it was a long time since I wrote here, but I didn't realise that it was that long!! ooops.
And of course heaps has happened. I am just writing an email to Pia so will paste that in as it explains a fair bit:
Dear Pia,
I am going to try and be as honest as I can in this email, there is a lot that I think that I need to say.
Firstly, if I am honest your last email saying to remind myself of my inherent worth made me really angry, how dare you suggest such a thing!! Then I felt sad that I reacted so strongly to being reminded of my inherent worth. However, writing the email to you helped and I have tried as much as possible to do what you suggested when I am feeling shame, but it is certainly not easy.
I don't really know how to say what I want to say, and I am worried about your reaction to some of it. Not long after I got back in July I moved into a room in a house of someone that I knew a little from the treatment center I was in. The rent was cheap, I could have my dogs and I would not be living alone away from everyone I knew, so I figured that it was a good thing to do. It started off well, and I enjoyed living near people and seeing friends more, and having someone at home to talk to. But this woman began to act really strangely at times, like one moment telling me that she didn't like having someone else living in her house (that really helped my shame existence bind!), then telling me that she had just been tired and all was great, and then telling me that actually she wasn't happy and that I had to move. So I have had to find somewhere else to live, not easy on my very tight budget and with two dogs. Her general behavior fits your core issues perfectly, and that has really helped me to see that this is not all about me, but that she has some stuff that she really needs to work on. On one of your Cd's you say how hard it is to live with a codependent and I never really appreciated that until now. Still being told that I had to move was difficult, moving is something that I find so hard and stressful, and I was hurt by her behavior. Annoyingly I went to my family looking for support, I just don't know why I still do that sometimes, but at least this time I was very aware of what I was doing so wasn't hurt when I didn't get what I wanted like I used to be.
However, I haven't been able to find anywhere to live, and the date that I have to move by is looming closer and closer. So I convinced myself that living with my parent's would be the best thing, my dogs would be happy and I wouldn't have to pay rent which would be a huge help. I talked to some people about my thinking and was amazed that no one told me that I was being insane, that is what I expected, instead people seemed to agree with the benefits and that it was worth a try. Some of these people know a fair bit about my family.
So, with no other choice other than living out of my car (no friends are set up to be able to have me and my dogs stay), I asked my mother about me moving in. I had sworn to myself when I left the family home last that I would never, ever go back, and can't really believe that I am doing this. Part of me wonders if maybe I need to go back to really realize that my family are not, and never will be, what I want them to be. I don't know.
So I met my mother yesterday to talk about it. She saw it as an opportunity to find out all of the things that she has wanted to know, and I was able to be more honest with her than ever before, yet not tell her more than I was comfortable with. But she didn't really accept anything that I said, and totally maintained her perfect mother stance. She also wanted to talk about my father, and I didn't want to talk about that, here I was needing help and I just don't feel ready to go there with them yet. She told me that it wasn't my father that abused me, but another man called Harry. I was a bit shocked, as she had never given any sort of indication of knowing anything like that, although I do have one memory involving Harry and my mother knew about that as she walked in, although she told me that I dreamt it when I told her yesterday. But she showed no feelings around the fact that Harry might have done anything, and I suspect that he did as I have memories of someone who isn't my father, but has no face and I always wondered if it was Harry. My mother also said that I was a beautiful child, as if this excused it. But my mother is so convincing with her perfect mother thing that I really began to question myself after, was I totally wrong about my family?
Anyway, she said that I could move in with them temporarily but that they would rather pay my rent somewhere than have me living at home. I don't know that I feel comfortable with that, I would feel like I owe them, but then if it will help me to finish school then maybe I should accept it.
After seeing my mother I really had to think about things and remember my reality. I remembered you saying that being around my family must make me crazy, and that I wobble between my truth and their lies; yesterday was a big wobble. This morning I read the notes that Dory and Sarah took of what was said when you worked with me in July, and that really helped me as I know that everything that I said then was honest and spontaneous, and was my truth.
Interestingly I have been more aware of my inner child over the last week than I have at any time before that I can remember. I have had dreams about her, well, I think that it is her, but dreams of me with a child about 6 and I am either leading her to safety, or putting her in danger. And I have just been more aware of her voice in me, I think that she is really scared at the moment, but I don't feel able, or adequate enough, to help her right now. I guess that just shows the need for me to do more inner child work on myself, so that I can do that. Hopefully the March inner child workshop will help if I haven't done anything before then.
I do feel very scared about moving back in with my parent's, I am scared that after one afternoon with my mother I was questioning my reality, what will I be like if I live with them? I just hope that this isn't a huge mistake as I don't feel very strong at the moment to withstand too much of their craziness, living where I am now is hard like that and has taken its toll on my reserves.
I am also struggling at work, I just feel like a total fraud at the moment, and probably since July when I really accepted that I am still really messed up. Should I really be working with people in early recovery? I hate it when I talk to them about self care and all of that, knowing that I am terrible at doing it on myself. Part of me knows that I am good at what I do, and I get a lot of good feedback from people that I work with, but a big part of me feels like I shouldn't be doing it and that I am a total fraud. But then I think of what you wrote in Facing Codependence, about how we often have unusual insight into helping others, but grope in the darkness when diagnosing or helping ourselves. I am definitely like that.
I am also finding it hard to know how to go about emailing you. You said that we would keep in touch, but I don't know what you meant by that. I don't want to overstep your boundaries and email too much, or say too much and that you will think badly of me. I feel so lucky to be able to email you, and I really do find it good to do, somehow when I email you about something that something feels better, but I feel that I email you about silly things that I should know what to do with and not bother you with, you are busy and have enough to do. Maybe it is just my insecurities, but I wanted to share it.
On the positive I am doing yoga, and it does relax me, but as yet I don't feel any improved connection to my body I don't think. But I enjoy it once I get there and am pleased that I am doing it so thank you for the suggestion, I would never have gotten over the fear of going if you hadn't.
I am sorry that this is so long, hopefully just the writing it will have helped me, and anything that I can do right now to reduce the fear and stress is worth doing.

As you can see it is a long one! Things have been rather hard and stressful lately. I hate moving and that has been really hard, having Denise tell me one day that everything is fine and two days later telling me that I have to move... not fun. In truth I haven't really looked, a little on gumtree but I just couldn't face it, the stress and what with everything I just haven't felt able to deal with it. I am really scared about moving home, I had totally convinced myself that it would be good, but since lunch with my mother on Friday I am more scared about the reality of it. And my sister is there and she doesn't seem happy at all. Nicola said that is sibling rivalry. I know that I can't stay at Denise's, despite the fact that she is kicking me out, she is so codependent and it is very difficult living with her, but I feel like I am going out of the fire and into the lions den. But right now I don't think that I have any choice. I guess that somehow I have to have faith that I will get through this, but I am scared and I don't feel very resilient lately. I think that I need to do more meetings, as my head isn't in the best way, but that is hard, although if I really want to do more meetings I can do it. I have been thinking a little about using, not in wanting to do it, but more in thinking about how I am probably doing a fair few of the signs of relapse right now, and so I need to be aware of that.
I feel tired and stressed all of the time. I don't like it. I feel like I cannot take much more of it. Enough!
Hilary called me on Thursday, first time that she has done that in a long long time, so that was a shock, and what she had to say was a shock too. She and Alma have booked to do the training with Pia in March that I am booked on! Not impressed. I am hurt that they talked about me being there and doing it, and they decided that they were ok with that, but that they didn't think to ask me what I thought, they just booked it and then told me they were doing it. Also, I like going to AZ and dumping my stuff with no one that I know there, and then coming home and leaving it there, that won't happen. Also they will both want Pia to work on them, but I want and need her to work on me. And Hilary thinks that Pia is such a God and will probably be desperate for her attention, and Alma as she is so insecure. Alma also has a bit of a mouth on her, and I am worried that she will talk about what happens out there with people. Hilary might be getting the same flight as me, not sure about Alma, so that changes everything about the whole trip. I made a point of telling Hilary that I was going in March to try and prevent something like this happening.
Work is going good, it is pretty easy, but I have started doing 1:1s and I find that really hard and scary, I hope that it gets easier. I am concentrating so hard on listening and retaining that I am not thinking properly and find it hard to keep the flow going. I was like that with groups at first and now they are fine, so I can only hope that the same will happen.
Anyway, enough for now. Will try and write more as I know that I need to utilise all tools that I can right now, and this does help.

police

Driving home yesterday turned into a total nightmare though, the police were stopping some people and I got pulled over. I was giving another therapist a lift part of the way so she was in the car. I was told to get out and was told that my car doesn't have insurance. Like America it is illegal to not have insurance, but unlike there you don't just get a ticket, they take your car immediately and you cannot get it back until you can prove that you have insurance and pay them for 'looking after' your car. I remember that you got stopped a while ago, but it was easily resolved. Well, I told them that I did have insurance and they clearly didn't believe me, so I told them more about why I knew that I had insurance, they were talking to me as though I was in the wrong, and a criminal which wasn't fun. But I was adamant that I had insurance so a policewoman said that she would call my insurance company and check. It was really horrible, there were a lot of police and I still have a lot of fear and shame about the police from when I was using, so it bought a lot of that up. Plus standing on the side of a very busy road was a little shaming. I was talking to my friend and they were obviously listening and for some reason they decided to believe me, so the policewoman spent a long time on the phone being told that I didn't have insurance but telling them that I was insisting that I did and that she didn't want to impound my car. It really looked like they were going to take my car until I could prove it, which was rather stressful considering I was a long way from home and rather like my car! Eventually the insurance company said that there had been an error and that I had to call them before 8pm to sort it out, so I was allowed to go. I really thanked the two police that had been dealing with me, for persisting with the insurance company, they could have just impounded my car and let me deal with it, and they said that it was obvious that I was genuine, and that a lot of people try and convince them that they are really insured but that I was different, I said thanks again and left. Got in the car and was shaking, I was really really stressed and wanted to cry. It was horrible. And I was stunned that the police had called me genuine, and hadn't thought that I was a horrible person who was definitely in the wrong.

I eventually got home and called the insurance company who tried to blame me, but after 50 minutes on the phone (!) it got sorted. Very stressful I can tell you!!!! I was not in a good way. I called Nicola who is in Ireland but I needed to talk to her, and ranted to her. Then I talked to Denise but I had to go out, and I was so drained and tired. But last night was the first yoga class, and although I so wasn't in the mood I went. It was an hour and a half, and I had thought that there was no way that I could do yoga for that long, and there were only 7 people and all of them had done yoga before, so I felt that I would really stand out, but I didn't feel that way and I kept up and was able to do everything but one thing, which was amazing and I kind of enjoyed it and it did take my mind off the police stuff. During the breathing and relaxation bits my head was thinking about it, but it did really calm me down. And today I am aware that I used muscles that I didn't even know that I had, but I am not as sore as I thought that I would be, and when I breath it really feels like I am breathing far deeper. It is good. Pia suggested that I do yoga, and I tell you I had a lot of fear around it, and with how I was feeling last night, if it had been anyone other than Pia I wouldn't have gone! But I am pleased that I did and I hope that I keep going back. It was weird, I sort of felt proud of myself.

I have been seeing my brother and Talia every monday, and I have been left alone with Talia, and my brother commented on how comfortable she seems with me. It is good, I like Talia a lot. And we went and bought her first ever pair of shoes, and it was really nice to be there for that. Therapy isn't going so good, I am sitting there acting like a teenager and refusing to talk about anything much at the moment, which is kind of amusing but not much fun at all. But as I don't act like a difficult teenager at any other time it seems that something is happening and hopefully it will get easier. Deena said that she thinks that it is all about trust, and I have been so damaged around trust that it might take me years to trust her. I told her that there was no way that I was going to see her for years like this!!!

This is from an email I wrote to Jane, I just cut and paste so that I didn't have to write it all again. The police thing was a total nightmare.

Other than that things are ok, Denise is back and nothing has been mentioned about her not liking having someone else in the house, it is a big elephant that we are ignoring. I hate it, at first it was ok but now I am stressed about it and always wondering if she is going to tell me to leave. I have been keeping out of her way more, partly so that she has less chance to tell me to leave, and partly to show her that I can live here and she doesn't always know it. I am trying and I hope that she sees that and doesn't ask me to leave, but at some point I am going to have to talk to her about it, cos I can't live constantly wondering if I am about to be asked to leave. I did have a dream last night too, and all that I remember is Denise saying in it that she was sorry that she didn't give me more space and stuff. In the dream she wanted me to stay, it showed me that it really is on my mind if I am dreaming about it.
Also, since I last wrote with the email to Pia I should say about her reply. I was angry at her response, partly cos she told me to think of my inherent worth, which I HATE and she knows that, so how dare she tell me to do that! And also cos it was quite brief and didn't respond to what I had said about my father and I felt like she doesn't like me, which is probably my stuff, but I am scared that she doesn't, and that she doesn't want me to email anymore. Having said all that though, my shame is a lot better since I emailed her, there is something about telling Pia that makes things feel so much better, not sure what that is about.

email

I am really struggling around shame again at the moment, my shame existence bind was triggered a couple of weeks ago and I had a few of days of deep shame, thankfully I moved through that but since then I am still stuck in the process. I find that once my shame existence bind is badly triggered then all my other shame binds come up, and I spend my day having repeated shame attacks for one reason or another, it also brings up all my self hatred and I find myself standing at the mirror telling myself how horrible/ugly etc I am while brushing my teeth or whatever. I really hate being like this, and it is hard work as I feel like I am on high alert all the time, waiting for the next attack, and then trying to talk myself through it. I know that when this happens if I don't get myself out of the shame cycle then I stay in it for a long time, and get really depressed and I don't want that to happen, but I don't know how to get myself out of it, sometimes I just seem to come out of it quicker than other times, so I wondered if you have any suggestions that would help? I really hope that one day I can live without this shame hanging over me, as it is definately the thing that I struggle with the most. I wish that I had the money and someone here that I could work through this with, it is frustrating to know that the PIT feeling reduction stuff would help, but that I am not doing it.
Another thing is that I saw my father interacting with my young neices, that's the first time that I have really seen him with them, and it was very hard to watch. I am really trying to remember you saying that I don't have a responsibility there as my siblings know, but it is hard to accept that, and to know that despite that they allow my father to have contact with their babies.
Anyway, I hope that you are well and survived the big storms there a couple of weeks ago,

Just sent this email to Pia, hopefully it will help to have shared it and hopefully she will come back with some suggestions.
Had my first days at work, went well, although the drive is a nightmare, but will hopefully get easier as I get more comfortable with the route and find some short cuts. It is relaxed there which is good, although maybe too relaxed at times. Due to the shame I am struggling to feel like I should be there, and that I can contribute anything worthwhile. Also it looks like next week I get my first 1:1 client which is scary.
Tonight I am doing an AA chair for a big meeting in London, the topic is Honesty. I am scared about it, but it will be nice to see friends and will hopefully go ok.
Thats about it really.

better

Suprise suprise it has been longer than planned between posts! I am thankfully, feeling a lot better since my last post, that toxic shame has lifted slightly, although maybe I have just managed to disconnect from it.
Denise is away, which is good, takes the pressure off a little. Still terrified at the prospect at having to move again, but trying not to think about it.
Saturday was dinner at Tim's, it was a nice and relaxed evening which was good. On Sunday it was a family party to celebrate various birthdays and anniversaries. It was hard, lots of family and I felt very out of place. Hard seeing my father with my neices too. But I went, and smiled, and talked and left after a few hours when others were leaving. I was exhausted when I left though! Then the next day I went to my brothers, I was going to babysit while he went to the gym, but he didn't end up going. We went to go to a city farm, but the baby fell asleep in the car so we ended up sitting in the car for nearly two hours waiting for her to wake up! Was not much fun! My brother and I got talking about where in our lives we would go back to and what we would change. He said 18 and he would study something different at uni. I said that I would study something different too. He asked me if I would change some stuff, like running the kennels, and I said no, and he asked what age I would go back to, and I thought about it and decided that I didn't want to go back, that I wanted to go forward. That is amazing, I have always dreaded the future and just looked forward to dying, and he I was saying that I was looking forward to it! Went to NA last night and shared that, trying to be positive.
I also had therapy yesterday, not my favourite activity! Deena asked me about where the part of me that was keen to have therapy has gone, and was basically trying to find out why I am being so difficult. I told her that part of me wanted to stop coming, and I said that I felt that there was less trust now than there was before. She asked why that was but I couldn't tell her anything, I hate those sorts of conversations. After I was thinking that she is very unpredictable, some weeks she listens and is nice, and other weeks she doesn't seem to like what I say and I feel like she is bored and doesn't approve, and that reminds me of my mother, I should try and tell her that but it will be hard. I told her that I feel like I turn into a teenager in her room, which might not be such a bad thing as I never let her out anywhere else. At one point I got a headache and I told her and she asked what my headache would say if it could talk, I immediately said 'I dont know' and she said that I hadn't even thought about it, so I said that I didn't want to know, and she said at least that was honest. I don't know whether things will work out, will have to see, actually just writing this I have got a small headache. The money also worries me, and she said that once I am earning I will have to pay more, she doesn't know how poorly paid I will be at Peckham and I feel that she will dissaprove if I tell her.
Today I am trying to take it easy, slept in and have read a little. I want to walk to the local shops but it keeps raining and I would like to not get wet, haven't walked the dogs cos of the rain either.
I am reading a book called Unchained Memories, by Lenore Terr. It is about memory and childhood memories and how we remember things, and how we block things, and how the blocked memories come back to us. It is interesting, and I wonder if I will maybe do some research on memory for my dissertation. We shall see.
Tomorrow I am at Peckham, haven't really given it much thought, hope that it will be ok. Sure that it will be.
Haven't emailed Pia since the last one, tempted too but I am scared of emailing her too much. She says to keep in touch, but I don't know what she means by that, once a week? month? every couple of months? I don't want to be boundaryless with her, but it is hard when I don't know what she means. I guess that I could ask her but I don't want to do that, she might say she wants to hear from me really rarely or something, or think that I am stupid for asking. I don't know, but I have a feeling that I will be emailing her soon.

lonely, sad and angry

Again it's been longer than intended between posts, I know that I should be writing more but there has been so much going on that the thought of writing it gets overwhelming, which is why I should do it more!
I went to NA last Sunday, which was really hard on many levels, but I did it and it went ok. Was nice to see Elliott and I suggested that we get together, which he agreed to and we arranged to walk the dogs on Monday. Which we did, I was scared about doing it and prayed for honesty and humility before hand. We walked and walked which was good, and we talked. He told me about stuff going on for him and eventually I got round to telling him about the work with Pia and what I learnt. I told him that I was so filled with shame and that he liked me too much, and I couldn't handle that and had to pull away. He said that he talked to his therapist about me every week for a long time, don't like that as I know, and like, his therapist and I don't like to think of him thinking badly of me. Elliott was really hurt and I know that it will be hard for him to trust me, but hopefully we can get on enough to be ok around each other.
In the evening I met Monique from uni, we went for dinner and then to an NA meeting, her first one. I wasn't expecting it to be an easy night, but I never expected what I got. She is obviously very unwell, paranoid and psychotic. She told me that my eyes were scaring her, and so she sat in the restaurant with her sunglasses on, and she was talking random stuff. It was not much fun and felt like a long meal. I was so relieved when we got to NA, as then I wasn't alone with her, but on the way in the car she told me that my head had just spun round. I had no idea what I was meant to say to that! After the meeting she left quickly which was a relief.
Came home and told Denise which was good as my head was a bit messed up. We decided that I should tell Alma. That night and the next morning my head was definitely not right. I was even sort of looking forward to therapy, to talk about the night before and about my brother. But therapy was not a good session, it felt like Deena didn't want to be there, and that she was bored. She questioned my boundaries if I told Alma about Monique, and didn't want to talk about how I felt about what happened, just about what I should do with it. I told her about my brother, and she said it was good, but that's it. I really began to feel uncomfortable and wanted to leave. I started telling her about seeing Elliott, but felt that she wasn't listening so stopped speaking in the middle of it and she didn't even notice. Not a good session, and it really made me think that maybe I should stop seeing her as I felt way worse after than before.
I went chanting with Ali in the evening, I nearly didn't go but am pleased that I went as it quietened my head. I also called Alma just before and told her briefly about Monique, felt good to tell someone so that it wasn't all on me anymore.
On Wednesday I went to Peckham for the interview, got lost going which was a nightmare, but it was good and it looks like I will get more money than I thought which is good. The drive is a nightmare and I am certainly not looking forward to getting there and back twice a week. Still, it should be very good experience.
Denise has been really tired lately, really drained and I have been worried about her. I sometimes am sitting with her in the kitchen and I want to leave, but find it hard to do that when we are talking, and it seems that Denise has been feeling that a lot. She told me on Wednesday that she is so tired cos she is finding it hard having someone living in the house. I said that if she needed some space then she just had to say so, and that I wouldn't be hurt, and that sometimes I felt that I needed more space. After I felt about it and the way that she said it makes it sound like I am the sole reason for her feeling so tired, and that hurt. She also said it in the kitchen when she was about to go out, and when one of her boys and his friend were at the table, hardly the time to talk. I know that I have talked to her a lot about whats been going on in my life, and probably too much, but she listened, and there has been a lot of stuff going on for me at the moment. And today Denise told me that she is 'hoping to make it work' meaning that she is thinking of asking me to move out, which would mean that I am screwed. I cannot afford to move house again, and the thought of finding somewhere to live with the dogs fills me with fear and dread. I just feel that I can't deal with it.
So today I have been in my room all day, other than when I fed the dogs and walked from my room to the front door and back. I saw Denise briefly this afternoon, which is when she said that she wanted it to work, but I couldn't get to my room fast enough. My room does my head in though, and I always find my mood plummets the more time that I spend in it, but I will have to adjust, cos if hiding myself in there all the time means that I don't have to move then it is worth it. Denise is going away for ten days tomorrow, so hopefully that will help, and when she comes back I will hide in my room more. But today I feel low, and shame as I feel like I am bad in some way, and that's why she doesn't like me. Also aware that she would have talked to Alma about me and that makes me feel lots of shame as I don't want Alma to think badly of me. I want to cry, a lot, but I just can't let go and cry, it has been ages since I cried. But I feel hurt and unloved and very scared about what will happen if I have to move. Sometimes I just feel that life is just too fucking hard, and I can't deal with it. Everything seems like such a battle and so hard, I just want a break. Probably sounds like I am in self pity, and maybe I am. I just hate living like this, and with this fear and insecurity. And I just want to be ok, and for everyone to think that everything is ok, but it isn't. And I wish that I could feel like I could go into therapy and dump everything, but I can't, but the thought of telling her that I want to stop seeing her scares me, but it is a waste of time and money at the moment I think.
I don't know, hopefully the next week will be easier!!! I fucking need it.

progress!

Coffee with Alma was good, she talked a lot which was a bit tiring though, but it was nice and I enjoyed it. We talked about people we know, and of course people from uni. She does gossip though, even though she doesn't think that she does.
I then went to my brothers to drop off the swing. He was the only one home, and we chatted for a bit, he asked me if I would babysit on Mondays for a few hours so that he could go to the gym. I asked how he was feeling about having another baby and he talked about his feelings. The conversation went onto how second babies are normally easier, and I said that he was an exception to the rule, and he said something about how he might have had a few difficult years. So I asked him what he remembered about it, and it was obvious that his thoughts were different to mine, he thought that he was difficult for a lot shorter time than I remember. He did talk about a couple of events that I don't remember, like one time holding my neck and pushing me over. He asked me what my reality was, so I told him the years and a few examples, like him strangling me in France. It was an edited version as I didn't want to be too full on. And he then talked about school and the pressure that he felt from our parent's to be a high achiever and how hard that was, and how he had nowhere to express himself and so took it out on the family. It was amazing to have such an open and honest conversation with him.
We had lunch and talked about our sister and particularly her partner who neither of us like. It really upsets my brother, I think cos he is so close to our sister that not liking her partner has a greater effect on him. And just as I was leaving he said that if I babysat on Mondays we could then have lunch and spend time together, which was a surprise, and I take that to mean that he enjoyed seeing me, and talking on a deeper level. I felt really happy after, felt like such progress, and I never imagined that we would get to having a conversation like that.
Last night I talked to Denise, told her about the progress with my brother. We also talked about my sister's baby and my concerns about her behaviour, and the possibility of her having some 'problem'. Denise is concerned too, she is so unresponsive and she sleeps for fourteen hours a night! I do hope not though, it would be terrible for my sister, especially as her partner is so unsupportive.
I am reading Facing Codependence again, first time it took me nearly a year to read as I kept getting triggered and would have to stop for a bit. Then I tried to read it again before Survivors last year but I got to page ten and had to stop. And now I am on page 48 and I am going strong, it is such a clear sign of improvement and that makes me really happy!
Today the weather has been lovely, blue sky for the first time in ages. My food is not good though, I am eating heaps of rubbish which is really really not good and I hope that I can improve it soon, there is obviously stuff going on that I am not really in touch with, which isn't surprising as I do that a lot.

sad

Not a bad therapy session on Tuesday really, we managed to fill the time with things to talk about, nothing too painful though which suited me. I told her that I had a dream about using a very dirty public toilet, and I thought that it was funny but didn't mean anything, but she read into it a lot more than that! She asked me what I thought about public toilets, and I said that I didn't like them, only went there when I have to and that they are dirty. And she said that there is part of me that I feel that way about. And then she said how bodily functions, like going to the toilet, periods, sex, childbirth are all natural and that we shouldn't have shame around them. She also said that my inner children don't trust her, and I think that is certainly true.
I have been really tired lately, which isn't fun, but last night I didn't get to sleep until 5am, so today I am tired and grumpy, which I don't like. I bought a swing for my neice today, for her first birthday, I hope that they like it.
I am feeling really sad tonight, I am sad that Denise is friends with heaps of people that I used to be friends with, but that I am never asked to join them for meals or whatever, and generally I understand that, especially when Elliott is going to be there, but it still hurts sometimes. And tomorrow she is meeting Lance, who used to be a good friend, and who I would like to see, and I can see no reason why he wouldn't want me to come, but I haven't been asked, and that hurt. I guess that it is hurt ontop of hurt. Generally it is a good thing as eating out costs money, but still. And on Sunday I kind of want to go to NA for Kelly's one year, but I am scared of seeing people, and of not being welcomed, and I am scared that people won't want me there, especially Elliott. After NA everyone goes for lunch, and part of me would like to go, but part of me is terrified of going. Denise and I are going to go in seperate cars, so that I can escape when I want to. Hopefully it will be way better than I fear, these things normally are, but I have a huge amount of fear about it right now. So I thought that if I shared it I might feel better, hopefully. I don't like feeling sad, and wanting to cry, and the fact that I am so tired doesn't help. Tomorrow I am meeting Alma for coffee, which should be good, I am looking forward to it.