Feeling a lot better today, not great, but far better which is good. I now have shelves in my room, and that has made a huge difference and I have unpacked heaps since they went up last night. Nice to have my books up, somehow makes it feel more like home. The shelves are huge, and I thought that there would be heaps of room, but they are already full! I certainly have way too much stuff.
I slept heaps last night, fell asleep really fast which made a lovely change, I have been taking Melatonin for a few nights and wonder if it is working, it is natural and totally ok to take which is great. I woke a few times in the night as always, but not too bad and I slept in which was great. And today I have felt less tired. Walked the dogs which was good, got home and it started to rain heavily, so that was good timing.
Have been thinking about what Hilary said, about how this trauma work is about getting on with your life, and I wonder if she has a point, but it also makes it clear that she doesn't know me like I thought. I thought that she was the one person in England who understood me and my trauma, but from what she said she doesn't, and that makes me feel really sad.
I haven't booked to do the Survivors in London, don't think that is the right thing, not sure how I am going to tell Pia that though. I am on the waiting list for the workshops with Pia in AZ in August and I am really really hoping that something comes of that and I can go out there are the end of August, that would be ideal I think. But it is unlikely, I wouldn't think that they would get many cancellations, especially so late. But I am hopeful. Otherwise I will book to go next year, when depends on what Pia says and Nicola.
Tomorrow I am meant to be seeing my family for lunch, all except my father, but I have heard nothing from them about what is happening.
I have just been looking online about changing your name, I am thinking of changing my surname. I want to be able to talk about my family professionally, but don't want people to be able to find out who I am talking about, so am thinking of changing it so that doesn't happen, or doesn't happen so easily. No idea how I would tell my family that though! Also thinking of changing my first name, when I worked with Pia doing the inner child work it became clear that I hated my name as young as three, and associate it with bad things, and even now when someone calls me by my full name (and not the shortened version) I get a physical reaction, and I don't really like the shortened version. But changing my first name would be a lot harder than changing my surname, so it is unlikely. Also, what would I change it to? Although I do have that with the surname, will have to think about it carefully. Changing your name does appear to be surprisingly cheap and easy.
Thursday 31 July 2008
Wednesday 30 July 2008
feeling low
Having a bit of a shit day today, feeling tired and low and just want to isolate. But I can't, I no longer live alone dammit! Also feel as though I am in the way at home, and that they don't want me around all the time, especially as I have to sit at the kitchen table to get a consistent Internet connection, but I don't know if I am just making that up. I am the first lodger that they have had so maybe there is some truth to that, but it is probably mainly cos I am feeling low in myself, I hope so anyway.
Went to Ikea today and got some shelves, they didn't have the ones that I wanted to had to spend a bit more money, which was annoying, but will be so good when they are up. I had meatballs while I was there, they are good but I didn't really enjoy them.
Came home and slept, I am just so damn tired at the moment, and that certainly isn't helping matters at all. Walked the dogs, which was good to do, it is a lovely day. My sponsor called and I talked to her for a bit but I totally wasn't honest about what is going on and how I am feeling. Not good.
I didn't enjoy therapy much yesterday, I was so detached from myself and resistant to reconnecting so that made it hard. She got me to draw my feelings and what I use to keep them in with crayons, found that really hard.
I got an email from Pia, which was good, although it did confuse things. She basically told me to keep things simple at the moment, which I think was a very good suggestion, think that I was a little insane in my last email to her. She seems to think that the London Survivors is a good idea, and I finally heard that they have space on the one in October. So, did I do that? I really wanted to go to Arizona, I love it so much there, and there is something about going and dumping my stuff and then getting on a plane again, and not knowing anyone, so that did go round my head. In the end I called Hilary and she was really surprised that Pia thinks that I need to do yet another Survivors, she said that for her this is about getting on with living her life, it did make me think that Hilary really doesn't know what is going on with me anymore, especially as she asked if I feel that I still have stuff to deal with, she really doesn't know me anymore. She said that the 3 day workshop with Pia was great, she got chosen by Pia to be demonstrated on and Pia did a full day of work on her, so that sounds even better, but Pia may not pick me (although I would be gutted if she didn't!), but I can't do that until next year.
I also feel a little bit scared of telling Pia that I am not going to do this Survivors, although Hilary did say that there are 8 people on it, which is a lot, and that he doesn't debrief people. At the Meadows there are 6 people in a group and that is more than enough, so with 8 you really wouldn't get much work done on you, although Pia would speak to him and tell him what she thinks he should do.
I slept on it and really think that I don't want to do it, but wonder how much of that is fear talking, rather than anything else. And next year feels like so far away, and this stuff is right here and hurting and needs to be looked at. Such a shame that I can't talk to Deena about it, she just really doesn't seem to like me talking about what I did with Pia. I don't know, I feel really confused about it all, and just want someone to tell me what to do! Pia said that this will all work out, and I have to have faith in that, but I want to know how?!
I really am aware at the moment of how I detach and don't show my true feelings to others, or to myself, and Hilary's reaction to me needing to do more work shows that. I just block it out and cope, but then it all gets too much and I can't keep doing that all the time. It is not healthy for me and I need to not do it. But right now I am feeling quite alone, don't feel that I can talk to Nicola, as she is funny about the Pia stuff, Hilary has no idea about things, and has enough of her own stuff going on, and I have cut pretty much everyone else out of my life, so they may still be there but only in a superficial way, not in a deep way. I guess there is Alison, and I did talk to her before a little, but I find it so hard. Something that I definitely need to work on I think, for my own sake.
I really feel like I just want to curl up and cry, but I just can't let myself cry, should try the breathing stuff that Pia showed me I guess. That would probably help, emotional regulation Pia calls it. I hope that if I don't do this Survivors she doesn't give up on me, feel like I have messed her around a little.
anyway, going to leave this here, otherwise I will just moan on. Thanks for listening.
Went to Ikea today and got some shelves, they didn't have the ones that I wanted to had to spend a bit more money, which was annoying, but will be so good when they are up. I had meatballs while I was there, they are good but I didn't really enjoy them.
Came home and slept, I am just so damn tired at the moment, and that certainly isn't helping matters at all. Walked the dogs, which was good to do, it is a lovely day. My sponsor called and I talked to her for a bit but I totally wasn't honest about what is going on and how I am feeling. Not good.
I didn't enjoy therapy much yesterday, I was so detached from myself and resistant to reconnecting so that made it hard. She got me to draw my feelings and what I use to keep them in with crayons, found that really hard.
I got an email from Pia, which was good, although it did confuse things. She basically told me to keep things simple at the moment, which I think was a very good suggestion, think that I was a little insane in my last email to her. She seems to think that the London Survivors is a good idea, and I finally heard that they have space on the one in October. So, did I do that? I really wanted to go to Arizona, I love it so much there, and there is something about going and dumping my stuff and then getting on a plane again, and not knowing anyone, so that did go round my head. In the end I called Hilary and she was really surprised that Pia thinks that I need to do yet another Survivors, she said that for her this is about getting on with living her life, it did make me think that Hilary really doesn't know what is going on with me anymore, especially as she asked if I feel that I still have stuff to deal with, she really doesn't know me anymore. She said that the 3 day workshop with Pia was great, she got chosen by Pia to be demonstrated on and Pia did a full day of work on her, so that sounds even better, but Pia may not pick me (although I would be gutted if she didn't!), but I can't do that until next year.
I also feel a little bit scared of telling Pia that I am not going to do this Survivors, although Hilary did say that there are 8 people on it, which is a lot, and that he doesn't debrief people. At the Meadows there are 6 people in a group and that is more than enough, so with 8 you really wouldn't get much work done on you, although Pia would speak to him and tell him what she thinks he should do.
I slept on it and really think that I don't want to do it, but wonder how much of that is fear talking, rather than anything else. And next year feels like so far away, and this stuff is right here and hurting and needs to be looked at. Such a shame that I can't talk to Deena about it, she just really doesn't seem to like me talking about what I did with Pia. I don't know, I feel really confused about it all, and just want someone to tell me what to do! Pia said that this will all work out, and I have to have faith in that, but I want to know how?!
I really am aware at the moment of how I detach and don't show my true feelings to others, or to myself, and Hilary's reaction to me needing to do more work shows that. I just block it out and cope, but then it all gets too much and I can't keep doing that all the time. It is not healthy for me and I need to not do it. But right now I am feeling quite alone, don't feel that I can talk to Nicola, as she is funny about the Pia stuff, Hilary has no idea about things, and has enough of her own stuff going on, and I have cut pretty much everyone else out of my life, so they may still be there but only in a superficial way, not in a deep way. I guess there is Alison, and I did talk to her before a little, but I find it so hard. Something that I definitely need to work on I think, for my own sake.
I really feel like I just want to curl up and cry, but I just can't let myself cry, should try the breathing stuff that Pia showed me I guess. That would probably help, emotional regulation Pia calls it. I hope that if I don't do this Survivors she doesn't give up on me, feel like I have messed her around a little.
anyway, going to leave this here, otherwise I will just moan on. Thanks for listening.
Tuesday 29 July 2008
I haven't written since Thursday, and it is now Tuesday, I did try to post, but spent so long between starting it and sending it that it wouldn't go through.
I have been bloody busy though, so I think that I should be let off. I have moved, so now live in London again. The move was a nightmare, but actually went pretty well, I was more organised than I thought I think, it was a really hot day moving though, and my new small room is not set up for all my stuff! I still have heaps of stuff dumped in it, need to sort it all out, need some shelves as I have heaps of books.
The rest of my stuff is in my Grandmother's garage, and that went in well. I chatted to her for a bit after and she was going on about whether I am wasting my life, seems that my family have been saying that to her. It has really hurt me, bought up a lot of sadness and anger that has lasted a few days.
Anyway, so I am moved, the dogs seem to be really conent here, they relaxed very quickly which is great, that helps me to feel at home. If I could just unpack and sort that would be good! I have been so tired, it is three months now of not sleeping, and it is taking its toll, but since I moved here I have had a couple of nights with a little more sleep, and I have been feeling even worse for it!!!! Which I am not happy about. I have been so tired that I can't even think of words, or think!
I went to NA last night, was strange to be back in a meeting round here, was really nice to see some old faces though, and to feel welcomed back. The group needs a treasurer and they were looking at me, said that I needed to have a few weeks to work out what meetings I was going to do etc, but it was nice to be asked.
It has been really hot here, 30C which is amazing, it rained last night and today they said that there would be heavy rain, but there is blue sky, although it isn't as warm, but it is 8am. I am up and waiting for the Sky man to come and connect Sky in my room, I am a bit of a tv addict and have been really impressed how I haven't missed it, and last night I was even thinking about whether I really wanted it in my room, as once it is there I will probably watch heaps of it again. But hopefully less than before.
I went to Regent's Park on Sunday in the sun for a picnic for school, it was nice, only four of us but we chatted and laughed, pleased that I went although I was really tired.
I have been doing ok, but aware that I have been running from my feelings since I got back, trying to do everything for the move, and I am a little scared of stopping and letting them catch up to me. Think that I have loads still to process from what happened with Pia. And talking of her, I emailed her on Sunday but have yet to hear back, really hope that I hear soon, my head doesn't think nice things when she takes her time replying. Anyway, I know that my feelings will come, whatever I do, when I have been feeling I have felt really really sad, I don't want to have had the childhood that I did, I really wish that I didn't, and it makes me really sad to think about it. I keep thinking of Pia telling me that I am an orphan, always was and always will be, that really hurts to hear.
I have therapy this afternoon, really not looking forward to it, last week was not fun and I was playing games, not being honest and denying feelings, hopefully today will be a little better.
So, that's about it really.
I have been bloody busy though, so I think that I should be let off. I have moved, so now live in London again. The move was a nightmare, but actually went pretty well, I was more organised than I thought I think, it was a really hot day moving though, and my new small room is not set up for all my stuff! I still have heaps of stuff dumped in it, need to sort it all out, need some shelves as I have heaps of books.
The rest of my stuff is in my Grandmother's garage, and that went in well. I chatted to her for a bit after and she was going on about whether I am wasting my life, seems that my family have been saying that to her. It has really hurt me, bought up a lot of sadness and anger that has lasted a few days.
Anyway, so I am moved, the dogs seem to be really conent here, they relaxed very quickly which is great, that helps me to feel at home. If I could just unpack and sort that would be good! I have been so tired, it is three months now of not sleeping, and it is taking its toll, but since I moved here I have had a couple of nights with a little more sleep, and I have been feeling even worse for it!!!! Which I am not happy about. I have been so tired that I can't even think of words, or think!
I went to NA last night, was strange to be back in a meeting round here, was really nice to see some old faces though, and to feel welcomed back. The group needs a treasurer and they were looking at me, said that I needed to have a few weeks to work out what meetings I was going to do etc, but it was nice to be asked.
It has been really hot here, 30C which is amazing, it rained last night and today they said that there would be heavy rain, but there is blue sky, although it isn't as warm, but it is 8am. I am up and waiting for the Sky man to come and connect Sky in my room, I am a bit of a tv addict and have been really impressed how I haven't missed it, and last night I was even thinking about whether I really wanted it in my room, as once it is there I will probably watch heaps of it again. But hopefully less than before.
I went to Regent's Park on Sunday in the sun for a picnic for school, it was nice, only four of us but we chatted and laughed, pleased that I went although I was really tired.
I have been doing ok, but aware that I have been running from my feelings since I got back, trying to do everything for the move, and I am a little scared of stopping and letting them catch up to me. Think that I have loads still to process from what happened with Pia. And talking of her, I emailed her on Sunday but have yet to hear back, really hope that I hear soon, my head doesn't think nice things when she takes her time replying. Anyway, I know that my feelings will come, whatever I do, when I have been feeling I have felt really really sad, I don't want to have had the childhood that I did, I really wish that I didn't, and it makes me really sad to think about it. I keep thinking of Pia telling me that I am an orphan, always was and always will be, that really hurts to hear.
I have therapy this afternoon, really not looking forward to it, last week was not fun and I was playing games, not being honest and denying feelings, hopefully today will be a little better.
So, that's about it really.
Monday 28 July 2008
Thursday 24 July 2008
AAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
I totally don't have time for this, so it is going to be quick, or at least I hope that it is! It is 10.35pm, and I am moving tomorrow morning, there is soooooooo much left to do, lots of little bits that just seems to take so much time, and I am starting to run out of places to put things. It is not good, not organised, and it is certainly very stressful. I am really not sure that I can do this, I just need to do bit by bit and not think about everything. It is so hard, I wish that I could know that I was never going to move again, but that is certainly not the case.
I feel so tired, had three hours sleep last night, and although I did take a nap today I am tired, but know that I won't sleep, so I guess that I may as well keep going, but I would much rather sit and watch TV!
Can't wait for this to be over. And with that, this blog post is over.
I feel so tired, had three hours sleep last night, and although I did take a nap today I am tired, but know that I won't sleep, so I guess that I may as well keep going, but I would much rather sit and watch TV!
Can't wait for this to be over. And with that, this blog post is over.
Wednesday 23 July 2008
Pia,
Thank you so much for talking to Margarita, I really appreciate it and am very grateful. I spoke to Margarita, who suggested that I go to Santa Monica for 10-15 days to work with her. I am really keen to do the work, I think that I am in less denial right now than I have ever been about my trauma and the impact that it has had. But I do have some concerns, and hope that it is ok for me to share them with you.
I am very concerned about the money, I am a student, and I am not currently in paid employment, I have savings but they are getting less and less, and I am worried about using what would pretty much be the last of them to go and do therapy with someone that I don't know. I know that out of everyone that you know you have suggested Margarita, and I really trust your recommendation, but I am worried that I might spend all this money to go out there and for some reason not trust her, and I won't get as much out of the time there as I could. But then I know that when I went out to Survivors I didn't know who I was going to have then either and I still took the risk.
Going to the Meadows to do Survivors was a big commitment, and I didn't think that I would be in the position so soon, of spending a lot of money to go back out to America for more therapy. I am angry at my parent's, as I think that they should be paying, although I know that they never would. I think that after Survivors, which I had hoped would be my big expensive therapy commitment, I am scared of making another big financial commitment, and then still needing more. And I know that there is no cure, or fix, so I hope that you know what I mean by that. I guess I am wondering if there is another option that is a bit less expensive, or do you think that this really is my only choice?
I really do want to do this work, but the money thing really scares me, I have never been very good with money, and I do have financial insecurity, and I suppose that part of me wonders if I really need to do this, am I making a big deal out of, well, not nothing, but out of something that isn't such a big deal. But writing that totally contradicts what I just said about not being in denial. I think that I am a little confused, and scared, to go all that way to work with someone that I don't know is scary. I have no idea what I am asking you here, sorry, and I know that you can't tell me what to do, or make and guarantees. And there is part of me, and I don't think that this will surprise you, that wants to please you, and thinks that if I don't do this then you won't, well I don't think that you wouldn't like me, but that you would think less of me maybe.
Something else that I wanted to share with you was that yesterday I was walking in the park and I saw a little girl, she was crying and I looked at her and wondered how old she was, decided that she was definitely older than two, but younger than five, so about three or maybe four. And I watched her, and I saw how small she was, and how she was defenseless, and if you told me what was happening to me at that age was happening to her, there could be no way that she was responsible for that, she was too small and not developed enough to do that, or cause that. I wanted to go and hug her, she was crying and I wanted to tell her that it was ok, but obviously I didn't! But I felt sad, and a little angry, I have been feeling quite angry about all this lately, which is a new thing, and a good thing I think cos I think that I can see that I didn't deserve this.
Thank you for listening to all this, I feel that it is rambling nonsense, but I have tried to be honest, and I hope that I don't sound too crazy. It does amaze me how I can see things so clearly and rationally when it comes to a client, but when it comes to me I am totally useless. Sitting here right now I think that I do know that I need to do a lot more work, and that doing it can only help me and make life better, but I am just very scared of the financial commitment. My head is obviously going round and round with this, as I feel like I could ramble on some more, so I better stop. I hope that this makes some sense to you, sorry that it is so long.
x
That is the email that I sent to Pia this morning, telling her how I am feeling about going to Santa Monica to see the therapist that she suggested. I think that the email sounds a bit insane, but hopefully she didn't think so. She got back to me only a few hours later, saying that what I was feeling was ok, and that she supports me in being moderate, and she suggested a few alternatives, including doing a Survivors week here in London, or going to the Meadows and doing a three day workshop with her, which is training, but you get to work on your stuff too. So I have emailed the Meadows to ask about that, and emailed the London place that does Survivors. I still can't quite believe that I am emailing Pia, and that she is being so nice, she wants me to get back to her over the weekend.
And I ended the last post saying that I wanted to tell you about hte little girl in the park, and I said about that in the email, so now you know. Pia said that she felt that it was really significant and would help me a lot in my inner child work. And she feels that I will have more things like that happen after the work that she did.
I didn't get to sleep until gone 4am again, I hate it! And then I slept late, which means that I haven't got as far as I hoped so far today, but it is only 4.30pm, and I have made a lot more progress than the other days, so that is good. But there is still just so much to do. I really have way to much stuff, but now I am worried about taking the time to go to a charity shop to take stuff, so do I throw it away? Or keep it and take it later (yeah right), or what. And my stuff is going to two places, one is storage, so I can't just throw things in boxes, I have to decide where I want it to go and then put it in something that will get it there. I hate it, and hope to not have to move for a long time.
And ten minutes ago I remembered that someone was coming to look round the flat now, so had a bit of a mad panic as the place is not a tip, but there are boxes and bits around, which is to be expected, so I just moved a few things and thought that I would write here while I am waiting. They are five minutes late.
I wonder if anyone has strayed accross my blog yet, and read any of it, I doubt that they were very interested and would choose to return, but I do wonder if anyone is out there.
I am definately feeling more stressed today, the moving date is very close and I am stressed about it, and the whole therapy thing, and finding a job. All in all a lot going on and I need to give myself credit for that.
Well, it is now many hours later, have had a fairly productive day today, which is great, but there is still just sooooooooo much to do. Feeling really good about the email I got from Pia, and a bit shocked that I am lucky enough to be doing this with her. And I am excited about the possibility of going back to Arizona, I just love that place, but I need to think carefully about the money.
So, it is 11pm, and I am going to pack some more, I have realised that I hate packing up kitchens, hate it with having to be so careful with fragile stuff. Anyway, best get going and on with it!
Thank you so much for talking to Margarita, I really appreciate it and am very grateful. I spoke to Margarita, who suggested that I go to Santa Monica for 10-15 days to work with her. I am really keen to do the work, I think that I am in less denial right now than I have ever been about my trauma and the impact that it has had. But I do have some concerns, and hope that it is ok for me to share them with you.
I am very concerned about the money, I am a student, and I am not currently in paid employment, I have savings but they are getting less and less, and I am worried about using what would pretty much be the last of them to go and do therapy with someone that I don't know. I know that out of everyone that you know you have suggested Margarita, and I really trust your recommendation, but I am worried that I might spend all this money to go out there and for some reason not trust her, and I won't get as much out of the time there as I could. But then I know that when I went out to Survivors I didn't know who I was going to have then either and I still took the risk.
Going to the Meadows to do Survivors was a big commitment, and I didn't think that I would be in the position so soon, of spending a lot of money to go back out to America for more therapy. I am angry at my parent's, as I think that they should be paying, although I know that they never would. I think that after Survivors, which I had hoped would be my big expensive therapy commitment, I am scared of making another big financial commitment, and then still needing more. And I know that there is no cure, or fix, so I hope that you know what I mean by that. I guess I am wondering if there is another option that is a bit less expensive, or do you think that this really is my only choice?
I really do want to do this work, but the money thing really scares me, I have never been very good with money, and I do have financial insecurity, and I suppose that part of me wonders if I really need to do this, am I making a big deal out of, well, not nothing, but out of something that isn't such a big deal. But writing that totally contradicts what I just said about not being in denial. I think that I am a little confused, and scared, to go all that way to work with someone that I don't know is scary. I have no idea what I am asking you here, sorry, and I know that you can't tell me what to do, or make and guarantees. And there is part of me, and I don't think that this will surprise you, that wants to please you, and thinks that if I don't do this then you won't, well I don't think that you wouldn't like me, but that you would think less of me maybe.
Something else that I wanted to share with you was that yesterday I was walking in the park and I saw a little girl, she was crying and I looked at her and wondered how old she was, decided that she was definitely older than two, but younger than five, so about three or maybe four. And I watched her, and I saw how small she was, and how she was defenseless, and if you told me what was happening to me at that age was happening to her, there could be no way that she was responsible for that, she was too small and not developed enough to do that, or cause that. I wanted to go and hug her, she was crying and I wanted to tell her that it was ok, but obviously I didn't! But I felt sad, and a little angry, I have been feeling quite angry about all this lately, which is a new thing, and a good thing I think cos I think that I can see that I didn't deserve this.
Thank you for listening to all this, I feel that it is rambling nonsense, but I have tried to be honest, and I hope that I don't sound too crazy. It does amaze me how I can see things so clearly and rationally when it comes to a client, but when it comes to me I am totally useless. Sitting here right now I think that I do know that I need to do a lot more work, and that doing it can only help me and make life better, but I am just very scared of the financial commitment. My head is obviously going round and round with this, as I feel like I could ramble on some more, so I better stop. I hope that this makes some sense to you, sorry that it is so long.
x
That is the email that I sent to Pia this morning, telling her how I am feeling about going to Santa Monica to see the therapist that she suggested. I think that the email sounds a bit insane, but hopefully she didn't think so. She got back to me only a few hours later, saying that what I was feeling was ok, and that she supports me in being moderate, and she suggested a few alternatives, including doing a Survivors week here in London, or going to the Meadows and doing a three day workshop with her, which is training, but you get to work on your stuff too. So I have emailed the Meadows to ask about that, and emailed the London place that does Survivors. I still can't quite believe that I am emailing Pia, and that she is being so nice, she wants me to get back to her over the weekend.
And I ended the last post saying that I wanted to tell you about hte little girl in the park, and I said about that in the email, so now you know. Pia said that she felt that it was really significant and would help me a lot in my inner child work. And she feels that I will have more things like that happen after the work that she did.
I didn't get to sleep until gone 4am again, I hate it! And then I slept late, which means that I haven't got as far as I hoped so far today, but it is only 4.30pm, and I have made a lot more progress than the other days, so that is good. But there is still just so much to do. I really have way to much stuff, but now I am worried about taking the time to go to a charity shop to take stuff, so do I throw it away? Or keep it and take it later (yeah right), or what. And my stuff is going to two places, one is storage, so I can't just throw things in boxes, I have to decide where I want it to go and then put it in something that will get it there. I hate it, and hope to not have to move for a long time.
And ten minutes ago I remembered that someone was coming to look round the flat now, so had a bit of a mad panic as the place is not a tip, but there are boxes and bits around, which is to be expected, so I just moved a few things and thought that I would write here while I am waiting. They are five minutes late.
I wonder if anyone has strayed accross my blog yet, and read any of it, I doubt that they were very interested and would choose to return, but I do wonder if anyone is out there.
I am definately feeling more stressed today, the moving date is very close and I am stressed about it, and the whole therapy thing, and finding a job. All in all a lot going on and I need to give myself credit for that.
Well, it is now many hours later, have had a fairly productive day today, which is great, but there is still just sooooooooo much to do. Feeling really good about the email I got from Pia, and a bit shocked that I am lucky enough to be doing this with her. And I am excited about the possibility of going back to Arizona, I just love that place, but I need to think carefully about the money.
So, it is 11pm, and I am going to pack some more, I have realised that I hate packing up kitchens, hate it with having to be so careful with fragile stuff. Anyway, best get going and on with it!
Tuesday 22 July 2008
lots going on!
So, day three of blogging, and today it has been on my mind a little, I was even looking forward to writing it. Maybe cos a lot has happened since yesterday.
I got an email from Pia, suggesting a therapist that she wants me to see. So I emailed the therapist, Margarita, and she emailed me her phone number, so I called her. She is in Santa Monica, California, so quite a way from London! She wants me to go out for 10-15 days, and she will do PIT and EMDR on me, she said that she can book me into a cheap hotel within walking distance, and that I can walk to the beach and shops and stuff too. Sounds great! Margarita is Greek, and I recon about 50.
So, in theory that sounds great, lots of therapy and a chance to deal with a lot of stuff, but, and of course there is a but, the money is a massive issue! It won't be cheap to fly there, stay there and have therapy there. And I don't know Margarita, nothing about her, I might pay all of this money and go out there and there might be something about her that I don't like, and that blocks how effective working her will be. It feels like a risk, I know that Pia has recommended her over everyone else, and that has to count for something, but still, I do not have money to spare. However, if I had to spend the same amount of money to go and see Pia and have therapy with her, then without a doubt I would do it, I would sell everything to do it! But unfortunately it isn't Pia. So I don't know what to do. I think that I will email Pia and tell her what I am thinking and see what she has to say.
But for now I really need to concentrate on packing and moving and getting through that! Sleeping would help, managed to get to sleep at about 4am, and then had to drag myself out of bed. It makes it hard to be productive in the day.
When Pia was working on me she said that she wanted me to find a three year old, so that I could see how small she was, and how she couldn't be making things happen to her, like what happened to me, that I blame myself for. So today in the park I saw a little girl in a white dress, she was crying, and I looked at her, and she was obviously over two, but under four, so I figured she was about three. And I looked at her, and she was so little, so small and no way was she mature enough to make things happen to her. It made me feel sad. That little girl was innocent and there is no way that she would be able to comprehend things that I had going on when I was that age.
And today I saw Deena, my therapist who I have seen five times now. I was worried about seeing her, she reminds me of my mother a little, and sometimes I think that she is quite judgemental, and I am scared of her. I didn't want to tell her about Pia and the work that we did, cos I didn't think that she would approve. I did tell her some stuff, but I definitely minimised the work that Pia and I did. I felt that Deena was a bit defensive, which was ok, I can understand that, but she did seem to not approve of some of what Pia did. And at one point I said something and Deena said 'is that what that Mellody woman said?' I didn't like that, and she said that Pia was hammering home points, and she likes to go slower, I said that Pia had not hammered anything. It is hard cos I really think that PIT works, and I want to work with it, and want someone to work with it on me, and Deena has never heard of it, although some of what she says is similar. I don't know, haven't decided whether it will work with Deena. And I didn't tell her anything about this therapist in Santa Monica!!! I couldn't begin to imagine what she would say about that.
I don't know, I feel confused. And now my ex-therapist has called for a chat, so that might help, or make things more confusing!
Right, I am back, and it is about four hours later and I have been on the phone most of that time, to different people though! Was good speaking to Hilary, she is a bigger Pia fan than I am, so it was great to share about what happened with someone who could understand how big a deal it was. She also said a few times about how far I have come, and how much I have changed over time, and what a miracle that is, it was good to hear, and also good that I can see changes in myself. Was nice to talk to Hilary, I miss her, she was always such a support and it is hard not having her there as much sometimes. She said not to make any quick decisions on going to America for more therapy, and that I just need to concentrate on moving, which is right, there is just so much to do it is unbelievable, I am really not sure that it is going to get done.
Also spoke to Alison, who was supportive and told me that I have a huge amount of stuff going on right now and that I need to give myself time after the move to recover, and how impressed she is with how I am handling things. Also spoke to Cathey, who has been amazing over all of this, really supportive and giving me time to talk, which has been great and very much appreciated.
But it is now nearly midnight, and I am so tired, and I have so much to do tomorrow, so if I can get to sleep I need to try. Very much hope that I do, and that I don't lie there for hours like I have been.
Didn't talk about the little girl in the park, will hopefully remember to do that tomorrow, but now I need to go to bed.
I got an email from Pia, suggesting a therapist that she wants me to see. So I emailed the therapist, Margarita, and she emailed me her phone number, so I called her. She is in Santa Monica, California, so quite a way from London! She wants me to go out for 10-15 days, and she will do PIT and EMDR on me, she said that she can book me into a cheap hotel within walking distance, and that I can walk to the beach and shops and stuff too. Sounds great! Margarita is Greek, and I recon about 50.
So, in theory that sounds great, lots of therapy and a chance to deal with a lot of stuff, but, and of course there is a but, the money is a massive issue! It won't be cheap to fly there, stay there and have therapy there. And I don't know Margarita, nothing about her, I might pay all of this money and go out there and there might be something about her that I don't like, and that blocks how effective working her will be. It feels like a risk, I know that Pia has recommended her over everyone else, and that has to count for something, but still, I do not have money to spare. However, if I had to spend the same amount of money to go and see Pia and have therapy with her, then without a doubt I would do it, I would sell everything to do it! But unfortunately it isn't Pia. So I don't know what to do. I think that I will email Pia and tell her what I am thinking and see what she has to say.
But for now I really need to concentrate on packing and moving and getting through that! Sleeping would help, managed to get to sleep at about 4am, and then had to drag myself out of bed. It makes it hard to be productive in the day.
When Pia was working on me she said that she wanted me to find a three year old, so that I could see how small she was, and how she couldn't be making things happen to her, like what happened to me, that I blame myself for. So today in the park I saw a little girl in a white dress, she was crying, and I looked at her, and she was obviously over two, but under four, so I figured she was about three. And I looked at her, and she was so little, so small and no way was she mature enough to make things happen to her. It made me feel sad. That little girl was innocent and there is no way that she would be able to comprehend things that I had going on when I was that age.
And today I saw Deena, my therapist who I have seen five times now. I was worried about seeing her, she reminds me of my mother a little, and sometimes I think that she is quite judgemental, and I am scared of her. I didn't want to tell her about Pia and the work that we did, cos I didn't think that she would approve. I did tell her some stuff, but I definitely minimised the work that Pia and I did. I felt that Deena was a bit defensive, which was ok, I can understand that, but she did seem to not approve of some of what Pia did. And at one point I said something and Deena said 'is that what that Mellody woman said?' I didn't like that, and she said that Pia was hammering home points, and she likes to go slower, I said that Pia had not hammered anything. It is hard cos I really think that PIT works, and I want to work with it, and want someone to work with it on me, and Deena has never heard of it, although some of what she says is similar. I don't know, haven't decided whether it will work with Deena. And I didn't tell her anything about this therapist in Santa Monica!!! I couldn't begin to imagine what she would say about that.
I don't know, I feel confused. And now my ex-therapist has called for a chat, so that might help, or make things more confusing!
Right, I am back, and it is about four hours later and I have been on the phone most of that time, to different people though! Was good speaking to Hilary, she is a bigger Pia fan than I am, so it was great to share about what happened with someone who could understand how big a deal it was. She also said a few times about how far I have come, and how much I have changed over time, and what a miracle that is, it was good to hear, and also good that I can see changes in myself. Was nice to talk to Hilary, I miss her, she was always such a support and it is hard not having her there as much sometimes. She said not to make any quick decisions on going to America for more therapy, and that I just need to concentrate on moving, which is right, there is just so much to do it is unbelievable, I am really not sure that it is going to get done.
Also spoke to Alison, who was supportive and told me that I have a huge amount of stuff going on right now and that I need to give myself time after the move to recover, and how impressed she is with how I am handling things. Also spoke to Cathey, who has been amazing over all of this, really supportive and giving me time to talk, which has been great and very much appreciated.
But it is now nearly midnight, and I am so tired, and I have so much to do tomorrow, so if I can get to sleep I need to try. Very much hope that I do, and that I don't lie there for hours like I have been.
Didn't talk about the little girl in the park, will hopefully remember to do that tomorrow, but now I need to go to bed.
Monday 21 July 2008
day 2
so, day two of my blogging and mid way through the afternoon I remembered that I had started one and realised that writing on it now would be a great way of further delaying packing.
I have delayed my moving date, only by one day, but now I need to not sit around and leave everything until the last minute, however, I think that the chances of me doing that are pretty damn high.
I am tired, I have jet lag, and I just want to lie down and sleep, or rest my eyes, or do anything that is more interesting that packing. Somehow it will have to happen as I cannot delay my moving any further.
Feeling a little low too, which isn't helping. I got an email from Pia this morning, with the email address of a therapist that she wants me to work with. Really lovely of Pia to care and do this, and I feel really touched by that, but it is scary. It is scary that she has done this for me, and none of the other people that I know who have met her, makes me think that I am really fucked up, which I am finally accepting might be true after the work that she did on me, and that is kind of painful and makes me feel sad. I am also scared of working with someone new, and looking at all of this stuff. And the fact that I have a therapist, who doesn't know anything about the PIT model, so can't do the work with me that I want/need to do, but how do I tell her that? Especially when I am starting to see that I am scared of her? I am seeing her tomorrow, and will have to tell her about my time in America, and that is scary enough, I intend to leave out the bit about seeing another therapist, at least until I know what is going on.
And that is about it really, main things going on right now are moving, and adjusting to life back in the UK. I miss Arizona immensely, I so so hope that I can move out there one day soon. I love it there, it is just so spiritual, and the weather certainly beats British summertime!
I think that I like this blogging stuff, good for me to share a bit, and love the anonymity of it, and that maybe no one will ever read it, but maybe they will. I don't talk about what is going on for me enough, so if I keep this up it will no doubt do me a lot of good. We shall see.
But for now, I need to pack. dammit.
I have delayed my moving date, only by one day, but now I need to not sit around and leave everything until the last minute, however, I think that the chances of me doing that are pretty damn high.
I am tired, I have jet lag, and I just want to lie down and sleep, or rest my eyes, or do anything that is more interesting that packing. Somehow it will have to happen as I cannot delay my moving any further.
Feeling a little low too, which isn't helping. I got an email from Pia this morning, with the email address of a therapist that she wants me to work with. Really lovely of Pia to care and do this, and I feel really touched by that, but it is scary. It is scary that she has done this for me, and none of the other people that I know who have met her, makes me think that I am really fucked up, which I am finally accepting might be true after the work that she did on me, and that is kind of painful and makes me feel sad. I am also scared of working with someone new, and looking at all of this stuff. And the fact that I have a therapist, who doesn't know anything about the PIT model, so can't do the work with me that I want/need to do, but how do I tell her that? Especially when I am starting to see that I am scared of her? I am seeing her tomorrow, and will have to tell her about my time in America, and that is scary enough, I intend to leave out the bit about seeing another therapist, at least until I know what is going on.
And that is about it really, main things going on right now are moving, and adjusting to life back in the UK. I miss Arizona immensely, I so so hope that I can move out there one day soon. I love it there, it is just so spiritual, and the weather certainly beats British summertime!
I think that I like this blogging stuff, good for me to share a bit, and love the anonymity of it, and that maybe no one will ever read it, but maybe they will. I don't talk about what is going on for me enough, so if I keep this up it will no doubt do me a lot of good. We shall see.
But for now, I need to pack. dammit.
Sunday 20 July 2008
the begining
The first blog, never done one of these before, not really sure why I have started one now, and wonder how long it will last. I tend to tire of things like this, and I have about a million other things to do right now, that are far more important to do, I am moving house in four days! And I have packed two boxes, not the best position to be in.
And I just got home from Arizona, so have jet lag too, not fun to pack and sort while exhausted after a few hours sleep.
But beside the whole moving thing, things are pretty good right now. Had an amazing time in Arizona, I find that it is a really spiritual place, far more so than anywhere I have been before, I feel different there, calmer, more myself and maybe a little more free. One day I hope to live there.
I went to do training, and it was amazing, I had heaps of therapy by someone who I count as being the best of the best. And I learnt so much about myself, and am still trying to process it all. It was full on. Never thought that I would do trauma work with a microphone on.
And I came home to confirmation that I passed the first year of my masters, which is amazing. And then the next day got a letter telling me that my application for funding for school fees has been accepted, so I don't have to worry about how to pay for school fees, such a relief! And I feel so happy about that. Hopefully things are going to work out.
Well, I could ramble on and on, anything to delay the packing, but really I need to get started! I can't wait to just be moved and it to be over.
And I just got home from Arizona, so have jet lag too, not fun to pack and sort while exhausted after a few hours sleep.
But beside the whole moving thing, things are pretty good right now. Had an amazing time in Arizona, I find that it is a really spiritual place, far more so than anywhere I have been before, I feel different there, calmer, more myself and maybe a little more free. One day I hope to live there.
I went to do training, and it was amazing, I had heaps of therapy by someone who I count as being the best of the best. And I learnt so much about myself, and am still trying to process it all. It was full on. Never thought that I would do trauma work with a microphone on.
And I came home to confirmation that I passed the first year of my masters, which is amazing. And then the next day got a letter telling me that my application for funding for school fees has been accepted, so I don't have to worry about how to pay for school fees, such a relief! And I feel so happy about that. Hopefully things are going to work out.
Well, I could ramble on and on, anything to delay the packing, but really I need to get started! I can't wait to just be moved and it to be over.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)