Coffee with Alma was good, she talked a lot which was a bit tiring though, but it was nice and I enjoyed it. We talked about people we know, and of course people from uni. She does gossip though, even though she doesn't think that she does.
I then went to my brothers to drop off the swing. He was the only one home, and we chatted for a bit, he asked me if I would babysit on Mondays for a few hours so that he could go to the gym. I asked how he was feeling about having another baby and he talked about his feelings. The conversation went onto how second babies are normally easier, and I said that he was an exception to the rule, and he said something about how he might have had a few difficult years. So I asked him what he remembered about it, and it was obvious that his thoughts were different to mine, he thought that he was difficult for a lot shorter time than I remember. He did talk about a couple of events that I don't remember, like one time holding my neck and pushing me over. He asked me what my reality was, so I told him the years and a few examples, like him strangling me in France. It was an edited version as I didn't want to be too full on. And he then talked about school and the pressure that he felt from our parent's to be a high achiever and how hard that was, and how he had nowhere to express himself and so took it out on the family. It was amazing to have such an open and honest conversation with him.
We had lunch and talked about our sister and particularly her partner who neither of us like. It really upsets my brother, I think cos he is so close to our sister that not liking her partner has a greater effect on him. And just as I was leaving he said that if I babysat on Mondays we could then have lunch and spend time together, which was a surprise, and I take that to mean that he enjoyed seeing me, and talking on a deeper level. I felt really happy after, felt like such progress, and I never imagined that we would get to having a conversation like that.
Last night I talked to Denise, told her about the progress with my brother. We also talked about my sister's baby and my concerns about her behaviour, and the possibility of her having some 'problem'. Denise is concerned too, she is so unresponsive and she sleeps for fourteen hours a night! I do hope not though, it would be terrible for my sister, especially as her partner is so unsupportive.
I am reading Facing Codependence again, first time it took me nearly a year to read as I kept getting triggered and would have to stop for a bit. Then I tried to read it again before Survivors last year but I got to page ten and had to stop. And now I am on page 48 and I am going strong, it is such a clear sign of improvement and that makes me really happy!
Today the weather has been lovely, blue sky for the first time in ages. My food is not good though, I am eating heaps of rubbish which is really really not good and I hope that I can improve it soon, there is obviously stuff going on that I am not really in touch with, which isn't surprising as I do that a lot.
Saturday 30 August 2008
Thursday 28 August 2008
sad
Not a bad therapy session on Tuesday really, we managed to fill the time with things to talk about, nothing too painful though which suited me. I told her that I had a dream about using a very dirty public toilet, and I thought that it was funny but didn't mean anything, but she read into it a lot more than that! She asked me what I thought about public toilets, and I said that I didn't like them, only went there when I have to and that they are dirty. And she said that there is part of me that I feel that way about. And then she said how bodily functions, like going to the toilet, periods, sex, childbirth are all natural and that we shouldn't have shame around them. She also said that my inner children don't trust her, and I think that is certainly true.
I have been really tired lately, which isn't fun, but last night I didn't get to sleep until 5am, so today I am tired and grumpy, which I don't like. I bought a swing for my neice today, for her first birthday, I hope that they like it.
I am feeling really sad tonight, I am sad that Denise is friends with heaps of people that I used to be friends with, but that I am never asked to join them for meals or whatever, and generally I understand that, especially when Elliott is going to be there, but it still hurts sometimes. And tomorrow she is meeting Lance, who used to be a good friend, and who I would like to see, and I can see no reason why he wouldn't want me to come, but I haven't been asked, and that hurt. I guess that it is hurt ontop of hurt. Generally it is a good thing as eating out costs money, but still. And on Sunday I kind of want to go to NA for Kelly's one year, but I am scared of seeing people, and of not being welcomed, and I am scared that people won't want me there, especially Elliott. After NA everyone goes for lunch, and part of me would like to go, but part of me is terrified of going. Denise and I are going to go in seperate cars, so that I can escape when I want to. Hopefully it will be way better than I fear, these things normally are, but I have a huge amount of fear about it right now. So I thought that if I shared it I might feel better, hopefully. I don't like feeling sad, and wanting to cry, and the fact that I am so tired doesn't help. Tomorrow I am meeting Alma for coffee, which should be good, I am looking forward to it.
I have been really tired lately, which isn't fun, but last night I didn't get to sleep until 5am, so today I am tired and grumpy, which I don't like. I bought a swing for my neice today, for her first birthday, I hope that they like it.
I am feeling really sad tonight, I am sad that Denise is friends with heaps of people that I used to be friends with, but that I am never asked to join them for meals or whatever, and generally I understand that, especially when Elliott is going to be there, but it still hurts sometimes. And tomorrow she is meeting Lance, who used to be a good friend, and who I would like to see, and I can see no reason why he wouldn't want me to come, but I haven't been asked, and that hurt. I guess that it is hurt ontop of hurt. Generally it is a good thing as eating out costs money, but still. And on Sunday I kind of want to go to NA for Kelly's one year, but I am scared of seeing people, and of not being welcomed, and I am scared that people won't want me there, especially Elliott. After NA everyone goes for lunch, and part of me would like to go, but part of me is terrified of going. Denise and I are going to go in seperate cars, so that I can escape when I want to. Hopefully it will be way better than I fear, these things normally are, but I have a huge amount of fear about it right now. So I thought that if I shared it I might feel better, hopefully. I don't like feeling sad, and wanting to cry, and the fact that I am so tired doesn't help. Tomorrow I am meeting Alma for coffee, which should be good, I am looking forward to it.
Tuesday 26 August 2008
lump
Pia emailed me back only a few hours later, she thinks that I am ready to face my childhood and get acceptance. Pleased that she thinks so! She also said to keep in touch which is good.
I have had a quiet few days, I've been really tired lately, sleeping late and slow to get going in the day which isn't good really, but it keeps happening. I know a few people who are the same though, so maybe there is something in the air!
My drugged dog also seems to be more stressed the last couple of days again, which isn't good, and which is strange as nothing has changed to stress her out. I hope that it is just a temporary change in her!
Yesterday in the shower I felt a lump in one of my breasts, I am due on any day so wasn't that worried as I know that breasts often get lumpy at that time of the month. I hardly thought about it but later told my flatmate and after that I kept thinking about it and worrying, it was like once I shared it it became real. Many times I have wished to get cancer, so that I could die and it would be seen as a tragedy but I wouldn't have had to commit suicide, and now here I am, finally wanting to live, with dreams and plans, and I find a lump. I know that it is very unlikely to be anything, but I do have a family history of cancer. I shared about it in NA that night, and felt so scared about it, just don't feel like I could deal with that at the moment, not with uni and everything. But I know that thinking that is getting way ahead of myself. Then we have the fear of doctors, and the total lack of self care that I have had for many years, and so this means that I may actually need to go to the doctor, something that is really hard, especially as they would have to touch me, and touch my breast. Even a female doctor wouldn't be easy at all. I have never even had a smear test, just can't face that.
Today in the shower I felt the lump again, still there but my breasts are quite lumpy at the moment, due to the time of the month, so I really don't think that it is anything to worry about. And I know that the doctor wouldn't do anything until after my period anyway. But still, it is scary and hard not to let my head run with it a little, but I know that I need to work on not doing that. It won't help.
I am about to go and have therapy, so don't want to go, at all. It has been really hard lately, and for all Pia saying that she thinks that I am ready, everything about how I am in therapy suggests that isn't true. Although having said that I know that it is true, I just am not sure that I am trying to do it with the right person.
Got a call from the treatment centre in south london, need to call the manager tomorrow but it sounds good for me to work there two days a week, which is great. I would do groups and one to one's which would be scary but great experience. Just a shame that they don't pay more than travel expenses.
Anyway, I will try and write more often as it is good for me to do that. Wonder if anyone has stumbled across any of these and actually read them. Wouldn't think that they would return.
I have had a quiet few days, I've been really tired lately, sleeping late and slow to get going in the day which isn't good really, but it keeps happening. I know a few people who are the same though, so maybe there is something in the air!
My drugged dog also seems to be more stressed the last couple of days again, which isn't good, and which is strange as nothing has changed to stress her out. I hope that it is just a temporary change in her!
Yesterday in the shower I felt a lump in one of my breasts, I am due on any day so wasn't that worried as I know that breasts often get lumpy at that time of the month. I hardly thought about it but later told my flatmate and after that I kept thinking about it and worrying, it was like once I shared it it became real. Many times I have wished to get cancer, so that I could die and it would be seen as a tragedy but I wouldn't have had to commit suicide, and now here I am, finally wanting to live, with dreams and plans, and I find a lump. I know that it is very unlikely to be anything, but I do have a family history of cancer. I shared about it in NA that night, and felt so scared about it, just don't feel like I could deal with that at the moment, not with uni and everything. But I know that thinking that is getting way ahead of myself. Then we have the fear of doctors, and the total lack of self care that I have had for many years, and so this means that I may actually need to go to the doctor, something that is really hard, especially as they would have to touch me, and touch my breast. Even a female doctor wouldn't be easy at all. I have never even had a smear test, just can't face that.
Today in the shower I felt the lump again, still there but my breasts are quite lumpy at the moment, due to the time of the month, so I really don't think that it is anything to worry about. And I know that the doctor wouldn't do anything until after my period anyway. But still, it is scary and hard not to let my head run with it a little, but I know that I need to work on not doing that. It won't help.
I am about to go and have therapy, so don't want to go, at all. It has been really hard lately, and for all Pia saying that she thinks that I am ready, everything about how I am in therapy suggests that isn't true. Although having said that I know that it is true, I just am not sure that I am trying to do it with the right person.
Got a call from the treatment centre in south london, need to call the manager tomorrow but it sounds good for me to work there two days a week, which is great. I would do groups and one to one's which would be scary but great experience. Just a shame that they don't pay more than travel expenses.
Anyway, I will try and write more often as it is good for me to do that. Wonder if anyone has stumbled across any of these and actually read them. Wouldn't think that they would return.
Sunday 24 August 2008
Dear Pia,
Nearly two weeks ago I was talking to someone about something that happened when I was six, it wasn't anything bad but it made me think about me at six and what was going on, I suddenly felt deep pain, unlike anything that I have felt before, it was almost unbearable and totally took me by surprise. I don't think that I have ever really thought about how it was for her at six, with her father coming in in the night, and a mother who hated her, and the pain that she must have been in. It was like for just a minute I had true acceptance of what happened, and allowed myself to feel the pain around that.
My response was to detach from my feelings, it was automatic and I did it without thinking. But since then I have continued to try and not have any feelings, I think that I think that if I allow myself to feel anything then it might lead to me feeling that pain again, so I try not to feel anything, which isn't really working as I am sure you know. For a week I felt very depressed, although that isn't so bad anymore, but I am certainly not feeling right, far from it, and I am surprised at how this has affected me. I remember you saying that you felt that I was scared of my three year old because I didn't want to feel her pain, and that made so much sense to me, and the work that we did with her was really hard, and it scares me that the three year old is nothing like the six year old when it comes to pain. And it scares me that the pain is somewhere inside me, and always has been, I just haven't accessed it before.
I have found it really difficult to talk to anyone about this, which is probably why it is still affecting me. In a way it kind of feels like a burden that I am carrying and not sharing, as I am trying to pretend to people that everything is fine again, which is very old behavior, but I don't feel safe sharing it with many people, which is probably why I am emailing you, and I hope that is ok.
I hope that you are well,
Just about to email this, I hope that I don't sound too fucked up. Sometimes I am really scared that people will think that I am too messed up to be working in this field, I hope that is just my fear and isn't reality. I hope that Pia replies, but I am sending it just cos I really needed to share it with someone safe. will try and write more soon.
Nearly two weeks ago I was talking to someone about something that happened when I was six, it wasn't anything bad but it made me think about me at six and what was going on, I suddenly felt deep pain, unlike anything that I have felt before, it was almost unbearable and totally took me by surprise. I don't think that I have ever really thought about how it was for her at six, with her father coming in in the night, and a mother who hated her, and the pain that she must have been in. It was like for just a minute I had true acceptance of what happened, and allowed myself to feel the pain around that.
My response was to detach from my feelings, it was automatic and I did it without thinking. But since then I have continued to try and not have any feelings, I think that I think that if I allow myself to feel anything then it might lead to me feeling that pain again, so I try not to feel anything, which isn't really working as I am sure you know. For a week I felt very depressed, although that isn't so bad anymore, but I am certainly not feeling right, far from it, and I am surprised at how this has affected me. I remember you saying that you felt that I was scared of my three year old because I didn't want to feel her pain, and that made so much sense to me, and the work that we did with her was really hard, and it scares me that the three year old is nothing like the six year old when it comes to pain. And it scares me that the pain is somewhere inside me, and always has been, I just haven't accessed it before.
I have found it really difficult to talk to anyone about this, which is probably why it is still affecting me. In a way it kind of feels like a burden that I am carrying and not sharing, as I am trying to pretend to people that everything is fine again, which is very old behavior, but I don't feel safe sharing it with many people, which is probably why I am emailing you, and I hope that is ok.
I hope that you are well,
Just about to email this, I hope that I don't sound too fucked up. Sometimes I am really scared that people will think that I am too messed up to be working in this field, I hope that is just my fear and isn't reality. I hope that Pia replies, but I am sending it just cos I really needed to share it with someone safe. will try and write more soon.
Wednesday 20 August 2008
depression
have had a tough few days really. Monday I felt that I was ok, but was aware that I wasn't, clear that I was blocking and supressing my feelings. Went to NA and had trouble sitting there, just wanted to leave and certainly didn't want to share as I wasn't feel positive in any way, and didn't want to give a negative share that wouldn't be good for the newcomer. In the end I did share, and it was good to do so. Talked about wanting to smoke, and feeling like shit and about not wanting to share etc. Talked to someone after the meeting which helped too.
Tuesday I didn't want to go to therapy, didn't want to risk feeling the feelings that I felt last week, so I went in and didn't want to talk about anything. We had lots of silence, which was ok, but I felt like I was wasting the session and being difficult, so that made it uncomfortable. Deena tried a bit to get me to talk about things, but I wouldn't go there. My defenses were so built up that nothing was going to break it down. Deena asked me about support and if I had people that I shared with, I said that there were people that I could share with, but I generally didn't. This week I have told everyone that I am ok. She offered to see me for an extra session if I wanted support. I figured that it was only worth having an extra session if I was going to be prepared to have feelings. Deena also suggested that I am depressed, something that in the week I had decided was the case.
Then I watched a programme last night on tv about pedigree dogs, it was shocking, talked about inbreeding and hereditatry conditions. They said that Cavaliers are the sickest dog breed in England, which was horrible to hear. It really disturbed me.
Woke up today feeling a little bit brighter which was good. I got the form from uni to re-enrol for the second year, so filled that in and sent it, was great to not have to send any money as I have funding. That was just so so good! And that cheered me up.
Walked to the local shops, had McDonalds for lunch, and wondered around a little. Was nice. Feeling tired though. Tomorrow I am babysitting for my neice who is 11 months, I am looking forward to that a lot, even though my sister is supervising me.
Tuesday I didn't want to go to therapy, didn't want to risk feeling the feelings that I felt last week, so I went in and didn't want to talk about anything. We had lots of silence, which was ok, but I felt like I was wasting the session and being difficult, so that made it uncomfortable. Deena tried a bit to get me to talk about things, but I wouldn't go there. My defenses were so built up that nothing was going to break it down. Deena asked me about support and if I had people that I shared with, I said that there were people that I could share with, but I generally didn't. This week I have told everyone that I am ok. She offered to see me for an extra session if I wanted support. I figured that it was only worth having an extra session if I was going to be prepared to have feelings. Deena also suggested that I am depressed, something that in the week I had decided was the case.
Then I watched a programme last night on tv about pedigree dogs, it was shocking, talked about inbreeding and hereditatry conditions. They said that Cavaliers are the sickest dog breed in England, which was horrible to hear. It really disturbed me.
Woke up today feeling a little bit brighter which was good. I got the form from uni to re-enrol for the second year, so filled that in and sent it, was great to not have to send any money as I have funding. That was just so so good! And that cheered me up.
Walked to the local shops, had McDonalds for lunch, and wondered around a little. Was nice. Feeling tired though. Tomorrow I am babysitting for my neice who is 11 months, I am looking forward to that a lot, even though my sister is supervising me.
Sunday 17 August 2008
a long time
It has been ages since I wrote, and I have been meaning to write but had lots to say and it was never the 'right' time.
Trying to think back now to what has happened. Therapy on Tuesday was good, had heaps to talk about, things going on with Jane and someone from uni who had been emailing me telling me lots of things about her childhood. Towards the end we started talking about my mother, and I was saying how she only married my father because he had good prospects, and not out of love. Deena said 'so she sold her soul to the devil' and the first thing that came into my head, and I did say it, was 'and then she sold mine' and that really hurt, realising that is what happened. I said that I felt like crying, but that I couldn't do that. She asked why, and I told her how as a child I was laughed at, and teased for crying. And then I told her how my father, when he would come into my room at night, would be rougher and make it hurt more if I cried. And for some reason I really connected to the pain that the little girl would have felt, and it hurt like hell. When I told her that she sighed, which I didn't like, it was like she was thinking how bad it all was, and I just try so hard to disconnect from that. She did tell me that she thinks that I am doing amazingly well. I wanted to leave the room, I just couldn't sit with it, it hurt too bad. That was the end of the session, and when I left I was really aware of wanting to stop my feelings, I wanted to eat or do anything to stop them.
And over the next few days I kept running the words 'she sold her soul to the devil' and 'then she sold mine' through my head. It wasn't nice. And I felt tired, the session and subsequent feelings really took their toll on me. Although of course I did well detaching from those feelings, but I think that they have still been there, underneath and subconsciously.
Wednesday I spent the day filling in the form for the tenancy tribunal, as I am fighting some of the charges that they want me to pay from my place in Hitchin. Not happy and wish that I didn't have to do it. It took hours, and wasn't easy. And at the same time I had my uni friend emailing me, feeling terrible after I set a boundary with her, and I was trying to read through another uni friends assignment that she has had to rewrite. It was full on and very draining, but I got the form done and sent it recorded delivery. Am impressed that I did that, previously I would never have fought for that, I just would have paid it.
And then in the evening I went to another uni friends house for dinner, and she wanted me to read her two assignments that she has to rewrite. I really never ever expected to be the one helping other people, I always truly believed that I was stupid, and so it amazes me that I passed and don't have to retake, and that others are asking me for their help.
On Thursday I went to South London to the treatment centre, it was a full on day, lots of feelings going on. The therapists there hope that I do work there, and were talking about giving me 1:1 clients, which would be great, but really scary. I felt really tired and drained, really felt that I needed to take it easy for a bit.
Friday I went to Trent Park with Denise and the dogs, had a lovely walk, really enjoyed it and it was a nice day. We then had lunch at the cafe. Then we went to a pet shop for dogs food, which was good. It was a nice day, but it felt quite busy.
Saturday I went with Denise to the local park as there was a fair on, we watched a dog agility show which was good, but the rest was disappointing. Took it easy for a bit and then got ready to go chanting. Nikki wasn't doing it which was a real shame, and none of us liked the woman who was taking it, and the woman didn't realise that most of the room wasn't into it. I was really looking forward to it, but by the end of it I couldn't wait for it to finish. And we had to move and jump and massage people. On the way home Denise and I got fish and chips which was yummy and a nice treat.
For some reason for the last couple of days I have been really thinking about smoking, and wanting to have a cigarette, I really have been thinking about it a lot. I don't feel like I am having many feelings, so it must be subconscious or something, cos I really am thinking about it a lot, far more than for a long long long time. In about two weeks it will be 18 months since I last smoked. I really don't like it, cos I really think that if there had been a packet of cigarettes here I would have smoked one, and that is a bit scary really. I hope that it doesn't last. I think that something is going on, cos the last couple of nights I haven't been sleeping as well too.
So that's about it, I am sure that there is more. Would like to email Pia, but her last email kind of felt like it was saying that she will see me in March now. She did say that it would be 'great' to see me, which I liked, not nice or good, but great. Anyway, we shall see.
Trying to think back now to what has happened. Therapy on Tuesday was good, had heaps to talk about, things going on with Jane and someone from uni who had been emailing me telling me lots of things about her childhood. Towards the end we started talking about my mother, and I was saying how she only married my father because he had good prospects, and not out of love. Deena said 'so she sold her soul to the devil' and the first thing that came into my head, and I did say it, was 'and then she sold mine' and that really hurt, realising that is what happened. I said that I felt like crying, but that I couldn't do that. She asked why, and I told her how as a child I was laughed at, and teased for crying. And then I told her how my father, when he would come into my room at night, would be rougher and make it hurt more if I cried. And for some reason I really connected to the pain that the little girl would have felt, and it hurt like hell. When I told her that she sighed, which I didn't like, it was like she was thinking how bad it all was, and I just try so hard to disconnect from that. She did tell me that she thinks that I am doing amazingly well. I wanted to leave the room, I just couldn't sit with it, it hurt too bad. That was the end of the session, and when I left I was really aware of wanting to stop my feelings, I wanted to eat or do anything to stop them.
And over the next few days I kept running the words 'she sold her soul to the devil' and 'then she sold mine' through my head. It wasn't nice. And I felt tired, the session and subsequent feelings really took their toll on me. Although of course I did well detaching from those feelings, but I think that they have still been there, underneath and subconsciously.
Wednesday I spent the day filling in the form for the tenancy tribunal, as I am fighting some of the charges that they want me to pay from my place in Hitchin. Not happy and wish that I didn't have to do it. It took hours, and wasn't easy. And at the same time I had my uni friend emailing me, feeling terrible after I set a boundary with her, and I was trying to read through another uni friends assignment that she has had to rewrite. It was full on and very draining, but I got the form done and sent it recorded delivery. Am impressed that I did that, previously I would never have fought for that, I just would have paid it.
And then in the evening I went to another uni friends house for dinner, and she wanted me to read her two assignments that she has to rewrite. I really never ever expected to be the one helping other people, I always truly believed that I was stupid, and so it amazes me that I passed and don't have to retake, and that others are asking me for their help.
On Thursday I went to South London to the treatment centre, it was a full on day, lots of feelings going on. The therapists there hope that I do work there, and were talking about giving me 1:1 clients, which would be great, but really scary. I felt really tired and drained, really felt that I needed to take it easy for a bit.
Friday I went to Trent Park with Denise and the dogs, had a lovely walk, really enjoyed it and it was a nice day. We then had lunch at the cafe. Then we went to a pet shop for dogs food, which was good. It was a nice day, but it felt quite busy.
Saturday I went with Denise to the local park as there was a fair on, we watched a dog agility show which was good, but the rest was disappointing. Took it easy for a bit and then got ready to go chanting. Nikki wasn't doing it which was a real shame, and none of us liked the woman who was taking it, and the woman didn't realise that most of the room wasn't into it. I was really looking forward to it, but by the end of it I couldn't wait for it to finish. And we had to move and jump and massage people. On the way home Denise and I got fish and chips which was yummy and a nice treat.
For some reason for the last couple of days I have been really thinking about smoking, and wanting to have a cigarette, I really have been thinking about it a lot. I don't feel like I am having many feelings, so it must be subconscious or something, cos I really am thinking about it a lot, far more than for a long long long time. In about two weeks it will be 18 months since I last smoked. I really don't like it, cos I really think that if there had been a packet of cigarettes here I would have smoked one, and that is a bit scary really. I hope that it doesn't last. I think that something is going on, cos the last couple of nights I haven't been sleeping as well too.
So that's about it, I am sure that there is more. Would like to email Pia, but her last email kind of felt like it was saying that she will see me in March now. She did say that it would be 'great' to see me, which I liked, not nice or good, but great. Anyway, we shall see.
Sunday 10 August 2008
barking
I have booked a place on the March inner child workshop, once I thought about which workshop I should do it was obvious that I need to do the inner child one first, even though part of me doesn't want to.
I have found myself in the last few weeks being more assertive and not letting people walk over me as I once did, which has been really hard to do at times, but good, and it is a sign of the effect of the work you did with me. I have also started reading the self esteem book that you talked about on the PIT training, and that is very good.
I liked your suggestion of yoga, I have often thought of doing it, but have been too embarrassed to go and do it in a class, however I am going to try, once I work out which of the many types of yoga I want to do. I did go chanting last week, and that I think would have a similar effect to yoga, as it really connects me to my body, and I have been really disconnected lately so that was great, especially as I connected to gratitude and even happiness. In the past few days I have, for the first time since the work we did, felt deep sadness about some of what we talked about, mainly around my mother, and I have tried to allow that but it is very painful to acknowledge. I have also been getting out and seeing people a lot more, I don't want to end up a lonely old woman with only my dog for company as you predicted. I am trying to take on board that this is a gradual process, and to do what I can do today to keep moving in that direction, but not get too far ahead of myself.
I hope that you are well,
Just sent this email to Pia today. Hopefully I sound a bit better than I have done. Time seems to be going by really fast, as it was Thursday that I last wrote, and it feels like I only wrote a day or two ago at most. Trying to remember what I talked about last, but can't.
Friday I went to Sam and Dors and watched LOTRs on their massive screen, it was great, like seeing it in the cinema and I haven't watched it for ages, so it didn't feel old. Hopefully we will watch the other two soon. Got home just after 1am and had two messages on my phone from my flatmate/landlord, saying that one of my dogs was barking and barking and asking me to come home. My phone had been in another room so I hadn't heard it, or got the messages. I felt really bad, she was in bed so couldn't talk to her, went to bed and I couldn't sleep worrying. In the morning I said sorry about a million times and went to the vet to get some drugs to help calm her, as it is only at night when I am out, she is fine in the day. So now she is on drugs. Got a lecture from the vet about her weight and not being vaccinated yearly, and I just listened and stated my point but didn't say much cos I just wanted him to give me the drugs, it did remind me of a few visits to the doctor that I have done in the past. I also ordered a DAP diffuser on ebay which will hopefully help.
So I changed my plans for Saturday to be home before dark. I met Alison in Enfield and we went to see the new Batman film, it was good but way too long. Heath Ledger was very good, he came across as totally insane, it is very sad that he died. We then went for dinner, ages since I ate out so it was nice, but I was stressed about the time as it was getting late and I needed to get home before dark. I felt like cinderella or something.
Came home and spoke to Denise a bit, but it felt funny between us, not sure if that is me or real. I am scared that she will ask me to move out cos of the barking. I am not sure that I could cope if that happened, things are just getting settled.
Today I have done nothing, I have avoided people and want to isolate. Was going to see my grandma but I might go tomorrow, just want to lie on my bed and think and read and watch tv today. Have been feeling sad about stuff a bit, mainly around my mother, as I said in the email, and I think that it is important for me to allow that, but it is hard.
I have found myself in the last few weeks being more assertive and not letting people walk over me as I once did, which has been really hard to do at times, but good, and it is a sign of the effect of the work you did with me. I have also started reading the self esteem book that you talked about on the PIT training, and that is very good.
I liked your suggestion of yoga, I have often thought of doing it, but have been too embarrassed to go and do it in a class, however I am going to try, once I work out which of the many types of yoga I want to do. I did go chanting last week, and that I think would have a similar effect to yoga, as it really connects me to my body, and I have been really disconnected lately so that was great, especially as I connected to gratitude and even happiness. In the past few days I have, for the first time since the work we did, felt deep sadness about some of what we talked about, mainly around my mother, and I have tried to allow that but it is very painful to acknowledge. I have also been getting out and seeing people a lot more, I don't want to end up a lonely old woman with only my dog for company as you predicted. I am trying to take on board that this is a gradual process, and to do what I can do today to keep moving in that direction, but not get too far ahead of myself.
I hope that you are well,
Just sent this email to Pia today. Hopefully I sound a bit better than I have done. Time seems to be going by really fast, as it was Thursday that I last wrote, and it feels like I only wrote a day or two ago at most. Trying to remember what I talked about last, but can't.
Friday I went to Sam and Dors and watched LOTRs on their massive screen, it was great, like seeing it in the cinema and I haven't watched it for ages, so it didn't feel old. Hopefully we will watch the other two soon. Got home just after 1am and had two messages on my phone from my flatmate/landlord, saying that one of my dogs was barking and barking and asking me to come home. My phone had been in another room so I hadn't heard it, or got the messages. I felt really bad, she was in bed so couldn't talk to her, went to bed and I couldn't sleep worrying. In the morning I said sorry about a million times and went to the vet to get some drugs to help calm her, as it is only at night when I am out, she is fine in the day. So now she is on drugs. Got a lecture from the vet about her weight and not being vaccinated yearly, and I just listened and stated my point but didn't say much cos I just wanted him to give me the drugs, it did remind me of a few visits to the doctor that I have done in the past. I also ordered a DAP diffuser on ebay which will hopefully help.
So I changed my plans for Saturday to be home before dark. I met Alison in Enfield and we went to see the new Batman film, it was good but way too long. Heath Ledger was very good, he came across as totally insane, it is very sad that he died. We then went for dinner, ages since I ate out so it was nice, but I was stressed about the time as it was getting late and I needed to get home before dark. I felt like cinderella or something.
Came home and spoke to Denise a bit, but it felt funny between us, not sure if that is me or real. I am scared that she will ask me to move out cos of the barking. I am not sure that I could cope if that happened, things are just getting settled.
Today I have done nothing, I have avoided people and want to isolate. Was going to see my grandma but I might go tomorrow, just want to lie on my bed and think and read and watch tv today. Have been feeling sad about stuff a bit, mainly around my mother, as I said in the email, and I think that it is important for me to allow that, but it is hard.
Thursday 7 August 2008
AAGGGHHHHH!!!!
Blimey, what a day, I am exhausted. Woke up early and turned my computer on, hoping that Cathey would be on Skype to talk, she wasn't. I wanted to talk to her about Jane, who sent me an email saying that she was pleased that I was going to AZ in March as she had been in a quandary about our friendship, thinking that if we weren't going to see each other again then what was the point of being friends. I felt really hurt by that, and can't believe that she told me that, she obviously didn't think about it and what I might think about her saying that. Makes me not want to talk to her, if she is only going to stay friends until March, then what??
I emailed Cathey about it last night, to see what she said, and really wanted to talk to her about it today. Eventually she came online and I did get to speak to her, which was great. She was also shocked by what Jane said, and also can't quite understand Jane's thinking, it just seems crazy. Was good to talk about it, Cathey suggested that I not say anything and just think about it for a few days before I respond, so that I don't say anything that I will regret. So this morning I sent Jane a really short email, I was on my way out and was running late, so that was a good excuse for it being so short.
Went for lunch with Kate, was nice to see her. It is her birthday tomorrow so I bought lunch for her. It was nice, and I enjoyed being out and chatting. Home and walked the dogs, Casey is being really annoying, barking a lot and being needy, I hate it when she is like that and I am like this, but I did wonder if she was picking up on my stress.
Oh, something else is that the rental company for my old place are trying to get money out of me for cleaning the carpets, and I am refusing to pay as they made a mistake by not telling me before I moved in that I would have to do that when I left, because of the dogs, and only told me three months after I moved in. Normally I would just accept it and pay, but I haven't and have stood up for myself. That feels really weird and hard and I hate it, and am angry that I am having to do this. And as I am saying that I won't pay it the landlord has decided to charge me for marks on the wall, that this morning I was told I didn't have to pay for. I am really angry about it, the rental company made a mistake and they are accepting no part in it and making it sound like I am being unreasonable and difficult. As I am writing this I am feeling angry and want to cry, which seems silly, I wonder if it is a combination of things. I don't know. I just hope that it is resolved quickly, and hopefully in my favour as it is now a lot of money.
I called the Meadows today and gave them my credit card details for the workshop in March with Pia. The date of it has changed and so I said that I would check if that was ok, which it is, but wanted to check flights, but for some reason I am not feeling excited or even bothered about going there at the moment, which is strange. Wondering if that is in part because Jane is there, and I am angry at her and don't want to see her, and because I am tired and a bit overwhelmed or something.
I also got an email from someone from uni today, it was really nice, they shared some stuff about their childhood with me, and it felt good that she had shared it with me, but I replied talking about me, didn't give any details, but talked about how I have struggled accepting my childhood, and that it wasn't perfect, and accepting that it has and continues to affect me. Think that I have feelings around what I wrote in the email too.
Strangely I have been thinking about Deena, and how I am looking forward to seeing her next week and talking about whats going on, which is a massive turnaround to how I have been, so obviously being honest with her helped, I just hope that it stays this way.
So thats me, feeling pretty low and like I could have a good cry. Not fun.
I emailed Cathey about it last night, to see what she said, and really wanted to talk to her about it today. Eventually she came online and I did get to speak to her, which was great. She was also shocked by what Jane said, and also can't quite understand Jane's thinking, it just seems crazy. Was good to talk about it, Cathey suggested that I not say anything and just think about it for a few days before I respond, so that I don't say anything that I will regret. So this morning I sent Jane a really short email, I was on my way out and was running late, so that was a good excuse for it being so short.
Went for lunch with Kate, was nice to see her. It is her birthday tomorrow so I bought lunch for her. It was nice, and I enjoyed being out and chatting. Home and walked the dogs, Casey is being really annoying, barking a lot and being needy, I hate it when she is like that and I am like this, but I did wonder if she was picking up on my stress.
Oh, something else is that the rental company for my old place are trying to get money out of me for cleaning the carpets, and I am refusing to pay as they made a mistake by not telling me before I moved in that I would have to do that when I left, because of the dogs, and only told me three months after I moved in. Normally I would just accept it and pay, but I haven't and have stood up for myself. That feels really weird and hard and I hate it, and am angry that I am having to do this. And as I am saying that I won't pay it the landlord has decided to charge me for marks on the wall, that this morning I was told I didn't have to pay for. I am really angry about it, the rental company made a mistake and they are accepting no part in it and making it sound like I am being unreasonable and difficult. As I am writing this I am feeling angry and want to cry, which seems silly, I wonder if it is a combination of things. I don't know. I just hope that it is resolved quickly, and hopefully in my favour as it is now a lot of money.
I called the Meadows today and gave them my credit card details for the workshop in March with Pia. The date of it has changed and so I said that I would check if that was ok, which it is, but wanted to check flights, but for some reason I am not feeling excited or even bothered about going there at the moment, which is strange. Wondering if that is in part because Jane is there, and I am angry at her and don't want to see her, and because I am tired and a bit overwhelmed or something.
I also got an email from someone from uni today, it was really nice, they shared some stuff about their childhood with me, and it felt good that she had shared it with me, but I replied talking about me, didn't give any details, but talked about how I have struggled accepting my childhood, and that it wasn't perfect, and accepting that it has and continues to affect me. Think that I have feelings around what I wrote in the email too.
Strangely I have been thinking about Deena, and how I am looking forward to seeing her next week and talking about whats going on, which is a massive turnaround to how I have been, so obviously being honest with her helped, I just hope that it stays this way.
So thats me, feeling pretty low and like I could have a good cry. Not fun.
Wednesday 6 August 2008
busy
blimey, I have hardly written in this for ages, must have been busier than I thought. There has been a fair amount going on.
Tuesday I had therapy, and I didn't want to go! About forty minutes before I got a headache, and so when I got there I told her that and she asked what my headache was saying, I said that it was wondering how come Tuesday came round so fast, hence telling her that I didn't want to be there. I told her that I felt that I was recreating my family, and how I used to behave with them. I also said that I felt she was judging me sometimes, and said that my mother was very judgemental. It helped to say that and clear the air a little. We did talk easier for the rest of the session which was good. She told me that she couldn't remember any time when she had felt judgemental towards me. I was really brave and told her one thing that she said to me, when I was talking about America and she said 'did that Mellody woman tell you that?' and I said that I really didn't like that she said that. She tried to deny it, but I stood my ground and she said sorry. And then we talked about Bessel and John Bradshaw and stuff, and had quite a good chat, it felt equal which was good. So, a really hard and draining session, but much better, and I am even a little proud that I managed to say what I said.
I then went chanting in the evening with Alison, had to drive to Kensel Rise, was nice to see Alison. Haven't been chanting for probably about two years, but Nikki remembered me and my name, which was lovely. She asked me how I am and I appreciated that. I loved the chanting!! It really took me back to the potting shed, two and a half years ago, and I remembered laughing for the first time in ages, and dancing like idiots, it was fun, but I could also see how far I have come and that was great. So I really connected with feeling happy and grateful, which was great, and I was aware that I was smiling a lot during it. I really enjoyed it. And the last chant was Jay Bhagawan, which is the one that she did with us every week when I was in rehab, and so that really took me back and I was really smiling. And at one point I opened my eyes and Nikki and I looked at each other and we both really smiled, it was lovely as I knew that she knew what I was thinking. I just grinned and grinned, it was great! I felt really happy and grateful.
Came home and went to bed, as I had an early start as today I went to a rehab for the day, I am hopefully going to work there. It was good, very different to what I am used to, but it felt good there, although one therapist was a bit funny, didn't really like her and she didn't want me to watch her group, which I am sure says more about her than me. But I was tired and it was good to leave, it is a shame that it is the other side of London from me, don't really fancy the travel, but it should be good experience.
Came home and straight away emailed the Meadows to book onto a workshop in March with Pia. So exciting, I just love it there and it will be good to see Pia again, and hopefully do more work on my stuff. I haven't heard back from them yet, and they are normally really prompt with responses, so of course my head thinks that they don't want me to go, even though Pia suggested it herself, so I am sure that isn't the case, I hope not anyway!
I think that making the decision yesterday to go in March helped to improve my mood, I so hope that I can move out there, I just love it, and feel like I can be myself there. Hopefully I will hear from them soon, and then I need to decide what I am going to and when I am going and book my flight.
So that's it really. it is humid which isn't fun, but at least no rain today. I am tired but ok I think, knowing that I am going back to AZ helps.
Tuesday I had therapy, and I didn't want to go! About forty minutes before I got a headache, and so when I got there I told her that and she asked what my headache was saying, I said that it was wondering how come Tuesday came round so fast, hence telling her that I didn't want to be there. I told her that I felt that I was recreating my family, and how I used to behave with them. I also said that I felt she was judging me sometimes, and said that my mother was very judgemental. It helped to say that and clear the air a little. We did talk easier for the rest of the session which was good. She told me that she couldn't remember any time when she had felt judgemental towards me. I was really brave and told her one thing that she said to me, when I was talking about America and she said 'did that Mellody woman tell you that?' and I said that I really didn't like that she said that. She tried to deny it, but I stood my ground and she said sorry. And then we talked about Bessel and John Bradshaw and stuff, and had quite a good chat, it felt equal which was good. So, a really hard and draining session, but much better, and I am even a little proud that I managed to say what I said.
I then went chanting in the evening with Alison, had to drive to Kensel Rise, was nice to see Alison. Haven't been chanting for probably about two years, but Nikki remembered me and my name, which was lovely. She asked me how I am and I appreciated that. I loved the chanting!! It really took me back to the potting shed, two and a half years ago, and I remembered laughing for the first time in ages, and dancing like idiots, it was fun, but I could also see how far I have come and that was great. So I really connected with feeling happy and grateful, which was great, and I was aware that I was smiling a lot during it. I really enjoyed it. And the last chant was Jay Bhagawan, which is the one that she did with us every week when I was in rehab, and so that really took me back and I was really smiling. And at one point I opened my eyes and Nikki and I looked at each other and we both really smiled, it was lovely as I knew that she knew what I was thinking. I just grinned and grinned, it was great! I felt really happy and grateful.
Came home and went to bed, as I had an early start as today I went to a rehab for the day, I am hopefully going to work there. It was good, very different to what I am used to, but it felt good there, although one therapist was a bit funny, didn't really like her and she didn't want me to watch her group, which I am sure says more about her than me. But I was tired and it was good to leave, it is a shame that it is the other side of London from me, don't really fancy the travel, but it should be good experience.
Came home and straight away emailed the Meadows to book onto a workshop in March with Pia. So exciting, I just love it there and it will be good to see Pia again, and hopefully do more work on my stuff. I haven't heard back from them yet, and they are normally really prompt with responses, so of course my head thinks that they don't want me to go, even though Pia suggested it herself, so I am sure that isn't the case, I hope not anyway!
I think that making the decision yesterday to go in March helped to improve my mood, I so hope that I can move out there, I just love it, and feel like I can be myself there. Hopefully I will hear from them soon, and then I need to decide what I am going to and when I am going and book my flight.
So that's it really. it is humid which isn't fun, but at least no rain today. I am tired but ok I think, knowing that I am going back to AZ helps.
Monday 4 August 2008
I am sorry about my last email, I was having a really tough few days and think that it showed, your keep it simple suggestions were a well needed reminder, so thank you for that.
I have decided not to do the Survivors in London, something about it just didn't feel right, and I spoke to a few people about it and that confirmed my feelings. It also became clear that people just don't know where I am at and what is going on for me, hence comments of it being time to move on and get on with my life, and that was from the one person that I thought understood me the most, but clearly my isolation and detachment from those around me has been more complete than I thought, which is sad, and I need to work to change that. But I do feel grateful that I was able to come to AZ and be so honest about everything, probably saved my arse.
It's interesting that most people seem to think that doing Survivors is almost a cure, and that after that you should be 'better', maybe it is for some people I guess.
I definitely want to come and do one of the three day workshops with you and Dory, I don't know which one I should do though, Feelings Reduction or Inner Child, and I would appreciate your feedback on that. It is a shame that the next available workshops are so far away, but from what Hilary says they are well worth doing, and both her and Alma felt that a lot of their stuff was looked at. I do think that something between now and then would be good, but I seem to be ruling most things out, probably one to one therapy would be good, somewhere to take whats coming up, but I think that the accumulative cost of that would be prohibitory, plus the fact that I know most of them.
Anyway, I shall try and have faith that it will all work out as you say.
I hope that you are well,
I have decided not to do the Survivors in London, something about it just didn't feel right, and I spoke to a few people about it and that confirmed my feelings. It also became clear that people just don't know where I am at and what is going on for me, hence comments of it being time to move on and get on with my life, and that was from the one person that I thought understood me the most, but clearly my isolation and detachment from those around me has been more complete than I thought, which is sad, and I need to work to change that. But I do feel grateful that I was able to come to AZ and be so honest about everything, probably saved my arse.
It's interesting that most people seem to think that doing Survivors is almost a cure, and that after that you should be 'better', maybe it is for some people I guess.
I definitely want to come and do one of the three day workshops with you and Dory, I don't know which one I should do though, Feelings Reduction or Inner Child, and I would appreciate your feedback on that. It is a shame that the next available workshops are so far away, but from what Hilary says they are well worth doing, and both her and Alma felt that a lot of their stuff was looked at. I do think that something between now and then would be good, but I seem to be ruling most things out, probably one to one therapy would be good, somewhere to take whats coming up, but I think that the accumulative cost of that would be prohibitory, plus the fact that I know most of them.
Anyway, I shall try and have faith that it will all work out as you say.
I hope that you are well,
Saturday 2 August 2008
try again
Not impressed that my blog yesterday didn't post, and as you write it says that it is saving it, yet I was unable to find it anywhere!
So, a quick recap, had lunch with my family, and it was ok...ish. I held my own though and did good I think, I was friendly and chatted and told them things, but not too many things and was careful not to give them any ammunition to use against me. It is very clear that I am left out of the family, there is much that I don't know, but I have my part to play in that too, but still, they make it really obvious sometimes. My neices are both growing fast, Talia has said her first two words. I was asked if I could look after her at the end of the month, they have two days with no cover, said that I would do one of them, would be nice to do and get to know her, and for her to get to know me. I haven't fully commited yet, but expect that I will.
So, it was ok, a few digs and comments but generally they were pretty good. Came home via Tesco and spent the evening watching tv, thought that I was feeling ok, but later I was at the kitchen table sending emails and Denise asked me how I was and suddenly I didn't feel so good. We had a good chat though, which helped. Denise suggested that I am recreating my family in therapy, and I think that she has a point! I don't want to speak, I don't want Deena to look at me, I don't want to be there, just like when I was young and would do anything to not be noticed and seen. Also feeling like I am being judged by Deena, which is what my family always did. Very interesting to think about, but unfortunately the best thing to do about that is to talk to Deena about it, and I don't want to do that!
Slept well last night and enjoyed a sleep in, am loving that I am sleeping again after three months of insomnia, sleeping in feels like such a treat!
And today I watched about five episode's of the Lion Man, a programme that I used to watch in New Zealand and loved and it is on Sky! So I recorded some that were on early this morning. There are about four series and I have only seen one, maybe a bit of the second, and of course I had seen these ones, but long enough ago that I could only remember bits. Have read some of a book on Self Esteem that Pia recommended and so far is really good, and had a bit of a fantasy about working in Arizona. Walked the dogs once the rain stopped which was good, needed to get out. Finding that I want to stay in my room and hide out more, but it is small and does my head in after a bit, need to make more of an effort to do things and get out more. Only been to one meeting since I moved here, which isn't very good!
So, that's about it. I think that I am still really quite detached from myself and my feelings at the moment, which I like, but know isn't good. But not sure how to reattach. It will happen at some point I am sure, and it probably won't be much fun when it does as I have been pretty detached for a while now so there is probably a build up.
So, a quick recap, had lunch with my family, and it was ok...ish. I held my own though and did good I think, I was friendly and chatted and told them things, but not too many things and was careful not to give them any ammunition to use against me. It is very clear that I am left out of the family, there is much that I don't know, but I have my part to play in that too, but still, they make it really obvious sometimes. My neices are both growing fast, Talia has said her first two words. I was asked if I could look after her at the end of the month, they have two days with no cover, said that I would do one of them, would be nice to do and get to know her, and for her to get to know me. I haven't fully commited yet, but expect that I will.
So, it was ok, a few digs and comments but generally they were pretty good. Came home via Tesco and spent the evening watching tv, thought that I was feeling ok, but later I was at the kitchen table sending emails and Denise asked me how I was and suddenly I didn't feel so good. We had a good chat though, which helped. Denise suggested that I am recreating my family in therapy, and I think that she has a point! I don't want to speak, I don't want Deena to look at me, I don't want to be there, just like when I was young and would do anything to not be noticed and seen. Also feeling like I am being judged by Deena, which is what my family always did. Very interesting to think about, but unfortunately the best thing to do about that is to talk to Deena about it, and I don't want to do that!
Slept well last night and enjoyed a sleep in, am loving that I am sleeping again after three months of insomnia, sleeping in feels like such a treat!
And today I watched about five episode's of the Lion Man, a programme that I used to watch in New Zealand and loved and it is on Sky! So I recorded some that were on early this morning. There are about four series and I have only seen one, maybe a bit of the second, and of course I had seen these ones, but long enough ago that I could only remember bits. Have read some of a book on Self Esteem that Pia recommended and so far is really good, and had a bit of a fantasy about working in Arizona. Walked the dogs once the rain stopped which was good, needed to get out. Finding that I want to stay in my room and hide out more, but it is small and does my head in after a bit, need to make more of an effort to do things and get out more. Only been to one meeting since I moved here, which isn't very good!
So, that's about it. I think that I am still really quite detached from myself and my feelings at the moment, which I like, but know isn't good. But not sure how to reattach. It will happen at some point I am sure, and it probably won't be much fun when it does as I have been pretty detached for a while now so there is probably a build up.
Friday 1 August 2008
family lunch
dammit! I just wrote and entry and it is gone, bloody internet connection!!! Can't be bothered to write again now, will try and say what was important another time.
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