sad

Not a bad therapy session on Tuesday really, we managed to fill the time with things to talk about, nothing too painful though which suited me. I told her that I had a dream about using a very dirty public toilet, and I thought that it was funny but didn't mean anything, but she read into it a lot more than that! She asked me what I thought about public toilets, and I said that I didn't like them, only went there when I have to and that they are dirty. And she said that there is part of me that I feel that way about. And then she said how bodily functions, like going to the toilet, periods, sex, childbirth are all natural and that we shouldn't have shame around them. She also said that my inner children don't trust her, and I think that is certainly true.
I have been really tired lately, which isn't fun, but last night I didn't get to sleep until 5am, so today I am tired and grumpy, which I don't like. I bought a swing for my neice today, for her first birthday, I hope that they like it.
I am feeling really sad tonight, I am sad that Denise is friends with heaps of people that I used to be friends with, but that I am never asked to join them for meals or whatever, and generally I understand that, especially when Elliott is going to be there, but it still hurts sometimes. And tomorrow she is meeting Lance, who used to be a good friend, and who I would like to see, and I can see no reason why he wouldn't want me to come, but I haven't been asked, and that hurt. I guess that it is hurt ontop of hurt. Generally it is a good thing as eating out costs money, but still. And on Sunday I kind of want to go to NA for Kelly's one year, but I am scared of seeing people, and of not being welcomed, and I am scared that people won't want me there, especially Elliott. After NA everyone goes for lunch, and part of me would like to go, but part of me is terrified of going. Denise and I are going to go in seperate cars, so that I can escape when I want to. Hopefully it will be way better than I fear, these things normally are, but I have a huge amount of fear about it right now. So I thought that if I shared it I might feel better, hopefully. I don't like feeling sad, and wanting to cry, and the fact that I am so tired doesn't help. Tomorrow I am meeting Alma for coffee, which should be good, I am looking forward to it.