Oh my!

Blimey, I knew that it was a long time since I wrote here, but I didn't realise that it was that long!! ooops.
And of course heaps has happened. I am just writing an email to Pia so will paste that in as it explains a fair bit:
Dear Pia,
I am going to try and be as honest as I can in this email, there is a lot that I think that I need to say.
Firstly, if I am honest your last email saying to remind myself of my inherent worth made me really angry, how dare you suggest such a thing!! Then I felt sad that I reacted so strongly to being reminded of my inherent worth. However, writing the email to you helped and I have tried as much as possible to do what you suggested when I am feeling shame, but it is certainly not easy.
I don't really know how to say what I want to say, and I am worried about your reaction to some of it. Not long after I got back in July I moved into a room in a house of someone that I knew a little from the treatment center I was in. The rent was cheap, I could have my dogs and I would not be living alone away from everyone I knew, so I figured that it was a good thing to do. It started off well, and I enjoyed living near people and seeing friends more, and having someone at home to talk to. But this woman began to act really strangely at times, like one moment telling me that she didn't like having someone else living in her house (that really helped my shame existence bind!), then telling me that she had just been tired and all was great, and then telling me that actually she wasn't happy and that I had to move. So I have had to find somewhere else to live, not easy on my very tight budget and with two dogs. Her general behavior fits your core issues perfectly, and that has really helped me to see that this is not all about me, but that she has some stuff that she really needs to work on. On one of your Cd's you say how hard it is to live with a codependent and I never really appreciated that until now. Still being told that I had to move was difficult, moving is something that I find so hard and stressful, and I was hurt by her behavior. Annoyingly I went to my family looking for support, I just don't know why I still do that sometimes, but at least this time I was very aware of what I was doing so wasn't hurt when I didn't get what I wanted like I used to be.
However, I haven't been able to find anywhere to live, and the date that I have to move by is looming closer and closer. So I convinced myself that living with my parent's would be the best thing, my dogs would be happy and I wouldn't have to pay rent which would be a huge help. I talked to some people about my thinking and was amazed that no one told me that I was being insane, that is what I expected, instead people seemed to agree with the benefits and that it was worth a try. Some of these people know a fair bit about my family.
So, with no other choice other than living out of my car (no friends are set up to be able to have me and my dogs stay), I asked my mother about me moving in. I had sworn to myself when I left the family home last that I would never, ever go back, and can't really believe that I am doing this. Part of me wonders if maybe I need to go back to really realize that my family are not, and never will be, what I want them to be. I don't know.
So I met my mother yesterday to talk about it. She saw it as an opportunity to find out all of the things that she has wanted to know, and I was able to be more honest with her than ever before, yet not tell her more than I was comfortable with. But she didn't really accept anything that I said, and totally maintained her perfect mother stance. She also wanted to talk about my father, and I didn't want to talk about that, here I was needing help and I just don't feel ready to go there with them yet. She told me that it wasn't my father that abused me, but another man called Harry. I was a bit shocked, as she had never given any sort of indication of knowing anything like that, although I do have one memory involving Harry and my mother knew about that as she walked in, although she told me that I dreamt it when I told her yesterday. But she showed no feelings around the fact that Harry might have done anything, and I suspect that he did as I have memories of someone who isn't my father, but has no face and I always wondered if it was Harry. My mother also said that I was a beautiful child, as if this excused it. But my mother is so convincing with her perfect mother thing that I really began to question myself after, was I totally wrong about my family?
Anyway, she said that I could move in with them temporarily but that they would rather pay my rent somewhere than have me living at home. I don't know that I feel comfortable with that, I would feel like I owe them, but then if it will help me to finish school then maybe I should accept it.
After seeing my mother I really had to think about things and remember my reality. I remembered you saying that being around my family must make me crazy, and that I wobble between my truth and their lies; yesterday was a big wobble. This morning I read the notes that Dory and Sarah took of what was said when you worked with me in July, and that really helped me as I know that everything that I said then was honest and spontaneous, and was my truth.
Interestingly I have been more aware of my inner child over the last week than I have at any time before that I can remember. I have had dreams about her, well, I think that it is her, but dreams of me with a child about 6 and I am either leading her to safety, or putting her in danger. And I have just been more aware of her voice in me, I think that she is really scared at the moment, but I don't feel able, or adequate enough, to help her right now. I guess that just shows the need for me to do more inner child work on myself, so that I can do that. Hopefully the March inner child workshop will help if I haven't done anything before then.
I do feel very scared about moving back in with my parent's, I am scared that after one afternoon with my mother I was questioning my reality, what will I be like if I live with them? I just hope that this isn't a huge mistake as I don't feel very strong at the moment to withstand too much of their craziness, living where I am now is hard like that and has taken its toll on my reserves.
I am also struggling at work, I just feel like a total fraud at the moment, and probably since July when I really accepted that I am still really messed up. Should I really be working with people in early recovery? I hate it when I talk to them about self care and all of that, knowing that I am terrible at doing it on myself. Part of me knows that I am good at what I do, and I get a lot of good feedback from people that I work with, but a big part of me feels like I shouldn't be doing it and that I am a total fraud. But then I think of what you wrote in Facing Codependence, about how we often have unusual insight into helping others, but grope in the darkness when diagnosing or helping ourselves. I am definitely like that.
I am also finding it hard to know how to go about emailing you. You said that we would keep in touch, but I don't know what you meant by that. I don't want to overstep your boundaries and email too much, or say too much and that you will think badly of me. I feel so lucky to be able to email you, and I really do find it good to do, somehow when I email you about something that something feels better, but I feel that I email you about silly things that I should know what to do with and not bother you with, you are busy and have enough to do. Maybe it is just my insecurities, but I wanted to share it.
On the positive I am doing yoga, and it does relax me, but as yet I don't feel any improved connection to my body I don't think. But I enjoy it once I get there and am pleased that I am doing it so thank you for the suggestion, I would never have gotten over the fear of going if you hadn't.
I am sorry that this is so long, hopefully just the writing it will have helped me, and anything that I can do right now to reduce the fear and stress is worth doing.

As you can see it is a long one! Things have been rather hard and stressful lately. I hate moving and that has been really hard, having Denise tell me one day that everything is fine and two days later telling me that I have to move... not fun. In truth I haven't really looked, a little on gumtree but I just couldn't face it, the stress and what with everything I just haven't felt able to deal with it. I am really scared about moving home, I had totally convinced myself that it would be good, but since lunch with my mother on Friday I am more scared about the reality of it. And my sister is there and she doesn't seem happy at all. Nicola said that is sibling rivalry. I know that I can't stay at Denise's, despite the fact that she is kicking me out, she is so codependent and it is very difficult living with her, but I feel like I am going out of the fire and into the lions den. But right now I don't think that I have any choice. I guess that somehow I have to have faith that I will get through this, but I am scared and I don't feel very resilient lately. I think that I need to do more meetings, as my head isn't in the best way, but that is hard, although if I really want to do more meetings I can do it. I have been thinking a little about using, not in wanting to do it, but more in thinking about how I am probably doing a fair few of the signs of relapse right now, and so I need to be aware of that.
I feel tired and stressed all of the time. I don't like it. I feel like I cannot take much more of it. Enough!
Hilary called me on Thursday, first time that she has done that in a long long time, so that was a shock, and what she had to say was a shock too. She and Alma have booked to do the training with Pia in March that I am booked on! Not impressed. I am hurt that they talked about me being there and doing it, and they decided that they were ok with that, but that they didn't think to ask me what I thought, they just booked it and then told me they were doing it. Also, I like going to AZ and dumping my stuff with no one that I know there, and then coming home and leaving it there, that won't happen. Also they will both want Pia to work on them, but I want and need her to work on me. And Hilary thinks that Pia is such a God and will probably be desperate for her attention, and Alma as she is so insecure. Alma also has a bit of a mouth on her, and I am worried that she will talk about what happens out there with people. Hilary might be getting the same flight as me, not sure about Alma, so that changes everything about the whole trip. I made a point of telling Hilary that I was going in March to try and prevent something like this happening.
Work is going good, it is pretty easy, but I have started doing 1:1s and I find that really hard and scary, I hope that it gets easier. I am concentrating so hard on listening and retaining that I am not thinking properly and find it hard to keep the flow going. I was like that with groups at first and now they are fine, so I can only hope that the same will happen.
Anyway, enough for now. Will try and write more as I know that I need to utilise all tools that I can right now, and this does help.