police

Driving home yesterday turned into a total nightmare though, the police were stopping some people and I got pulled over. I was giving another therapist a lift part of the way so she was in the car. I was told to get out and was told that my car doesn't have insurance. Like America it is illegal to not have insurance, but unlike there you don't just get a ticket, they take your car immediately and you cannot get it back until you can prove that you have insurance and pay them for 'looking after' your car. I remember that you got stopped a while ago, but it was easily resolved. Well, I told them that I did have insurance and they clearly didn't believe me, so I told them more about why I knew that I had insurance, they were talking to me as though I was in the wrong, and a criminal which wasn't fun. But I was adamant that I had insurance so a policewoman said that she would call my insurance company and check. It was really horrible, there were a lot of police and I still have a lot of fear and shame about the police from when I was using, so it bought a lot of that up. Plus standing on the side of a very busy road was a little shaming. I was talking to my friend and they were obviously listening and for some reason they decided to believe me, so the policewoman spent a long time on the phone being told that I didn't have insurance but telling them that I was insisting that I did and that she didn't want to impound my car. It really looked like they were going to take my car until I could prove it, which was rather stressful considering I was a long way from home and rather like my car! Eventually the insurance company said that there had been an error and that I had to call them before 8pm to sort it out, so I was allowed to go. I really thanked the two police that had been dealing with me, for persisting with the insurance company, they could have just impounded my car and let me deal with it, and they said that it was obvious that I was genuine, and that a lot of people try and convince them that they are really insured but that I was different, I said thanks again and left. Got in the car and was shaking, I was really really stressed and wanted to cry. It was horrible. And I was stunned that the police had called me genuine, and hadn't thought that I was a horrible person who was definitely in the wrong.

I eventually got home and called the insurance company who tried to blame me, but after 50 minutes on the phone (!) it got sorted. Very stressful I can tell you!!!! I was not in a good way. I called Nicola who is in Ireland but I needed to talk to her, and ranted to her. Then I talked to Denise but I had to go out, and I was so drained and tired. But last night was the first yoga class, and although I so wasn't in the mood I went. It was an hour and a half, and I had thought that there was no way that I could do yoga for that long, and there were only 7 people and all of them had done yoga before, so I felt that I would really stand out, but I didn't feel that way and I kept up and was able to do everything but one thing, which was amazing and I kind of enjoyed it and it did take my mind off the police stuff. During the breathing and relaxation bits my head was thinking about it, but it did really calm me down. And today I am aware that I used muscles that I didn't even know that I had, but I am not as sore as I thought that I would be, and when I breath it really feels like I am breathing far deeper. It is good. Pia suggested that I do yoga, and I tell you I had a lot of fear around it, and with how I was feeling last night, if it had been anyone other than Pia I wouldn't have gone! But I am pleased that I did and I hope that I keep going back. It was weird, I sort of felt proud of myself.

I have been seeing my brother and Talia every monday, and I have been left alone with Talia, and my brother commented on how comfortable she seems with me. It is good, I like Talia a lot. And we went and bought her first ever pair of shoes, and it was really nice to be there for that. Therapy isn't going so good, I am sitting there acting like a teenager and refusing to talk about anything much at the moment, which is kind of amusing but not much fun at all. But as I don't act like a difficult teenager at any other time it seems that something is happening and hopefully it will get easier. Deena said that she thinks that it is all about trust, and I have been so damaged around trust that it might take me years to trust her. I told her that there was no way that I was going to see her for years like this!!!

This is from an email I wrote to Jane, I just cut and paste so that I didn't have to write it all again. The police thing was a total nightmare.

Other than that things are ok, Denise is back and nothing has been mentioned about her not liking having someone else in the house, it is a big elephant that we are ignoring. I hate it, at first it was ok but now I am stressed about it and always wondering if she is going to tell me to leave. I have been keeping out of her way more, partly so that she has less chance to tell me to leave, and partly to show her that I can live here and she doesn't always know it. I am trying and I hope that she sees that and doesn't ask me to leave, but at some point I am going to have to talk to her about it, cos I can't live constantly wondering if I am about to be asked to leave. I did have a dream last night too, and all that I remember is Denise saying in it that she was sorry that she didn't give me more space and stuff. In the dream she wanted me to stay, it showed me that it really is on my mind if I am dreaming about it.
Also, since I last wrote with the email to Pia I should say about her reply. I was angry at her response, partly cos she told me to think of my inherent worth, which I HATE and she knows that, so how dare she tell me to do that! And also cos it was quite brief and didn't respond to what I had said about my father and I felt like she doesn't like me, which is probably my stuff, but I am scared that she doesn't, and that she doesn't want me to email anymore. Having said all that though, my shame is a lot better since I emailed her, there is something about telling Pia that makes things feel so much better, not sure what that is about.