better

Suprise suprise it has been longer than planned between posts! I am thankfully, feeling a lot better since my last post, that toxic shame has lifted slightly, although maybe I have just managed to disconnect from it.
Denise is away, which is good, takes the pressure off a little. Still terrified at the prospect at having to move again, but trying not to think about it.
Saturday was dinner at Tim's, it was a nice and relaxed evening which was good. On Sunday it was a family party to celebrate various birthdays and anniversaries. It was hard, lots of family and I felt very out of place. Hard seeing my father with my neices too. But I went, and smiled, and talked and left after a few hours when others were leaving. I was exhausted when I left though! Then the next day I went to my brothers, I was going to babysit while he went to the gym, but he didn't end up going. We went to go to a city farm, but the baby fell asleep in the car so we ended up sitting in the car for nearly two hours waiting for her to wake up! Was not much fun! My brother and I got talking about where in our lives we would go back to and what we would change. He said 18 and he would study something different at uni. I said that I would study something different too. He asked me if I would change some stuff, like running the kennels, and I said no, and he asked what age I would go back to, and I thought about it and decided that I didn't want to go back, that I wanted to go forward. That is amazing, I have always dreaded the future and just looked forward to dying, and he I was saying that I was looking forward to it! Went to NA last night and shared that, trying to be positive.
I also had therapy yesterday, not my favourite activity! Deena asked me about where the part of me that was keen to have therapy has gone, and was basically trying to find out why I am being so difficult. I told her that part of me wanted to stop coming, and I said that I felt that there was less trust now than there was before. She asked why that was but I couldn't tell her anything, I hate those sorts of conversations. After I was thinking that she is very unpredictable, some weeks she listens and is nice, and other weeks she doesn't seem to like what I say and I feel like she is bored and doesn't approve, and that reminds me of my mother, I should try and tell her that but it will be hard. I told her that I feel like I turn into a teenager in her room, which might not be such a bad thing as I never let her out anywhere else. At one point I got a headache and I told her and she asked what my headache would say if it could talk, I immediately said 'I dont know' and she said that I hadn't even thought about it, so I said that I didn't want to know, and she said at least that was honest. I don't know whether things will work out, will have to see, actually just writing this I have got a small headache. The money also worries me, and she said that once I am earning I will have to pay more, she doesn't know how poorly paid I will be at Peckham and I feel that she will dissaprove if I tell her.
Today I am trying to take it easy, slept in and have read a little. I want to walk to the local shops but it keeps raining and I would like to not get wet, haven't walked the dogs cos of the rain either.
I am reading a book called Unchained Memories, by Lenore Terr. It is about memory and childhood memories and how we remember things, and how we block things, and how the blocked memories come back to us. It is interesting, and I wonder if I will maybe do some research on memory for my dissertation. We shall see.
Tomorrow I am at Peckham, haven't really given it much thought, hope that it will be ok. Sure that it will be.
Haven't emailed Pia since the last one, tempted too but I am scared of emailing her too much. She says to keep in touch, but I don't know what she means by that, once a week? month? every couple of months? I don't want to be boundaryless with her, but it is hard when I don't know what she means. I guess that I could ask her but I don't want to do that, she might say she wants to hear from me really rarely or something, or think that I am stupid for asking. I don't know, but I have a feeling that I will be emailing her soon.