lonely, sad and angry

Again it's been longer than intended between posts, I know that I should be writing more but there has been so much going on that the thought of writing it gets overwhelming, which is why I should do it more!
I went to NA last Sunday, which was really hard on many levels, but I did it and it went ok. Was nice to see Elliott and I suggested that we get together, which he agreed to and we arranged to walk the dogs on Monday. Which we did, I was scared about doing it and prayed for honesty and humility before hand. We walked and walked which was good, and we talked. He told me about stuff going on for him and eventually I got round to telling him about the work with Pia and what I learnt. I told him that I was so filled with shame and that he liked me too much, and I couldn't handle that and had to pull away. He said that he talked to his therapist about me every week for a long time, don't like that as I know, and like, his therapist and I don't like to think of him thinking badly of me. Elliott was really hurt and I know that it will be hard for him to trust me, but hopefully we can get on enough to be ok around each other.
In the evening I met Monique from uni, we went for dinner and then to an NA meeting, her first one. I wasn't expecting it to be an easy night, but I never expected what I got. She is obviously very unwell, paranoid and psychotic. She told me that my eyes were scaring her, and so she sat in the restaurant with her sunglasses on, and she was talking random stuff. It was not much fun and felt like a long meal. I was so relieved when we got to NA, as then I wasn't alone with her, but on the way in the car she told me that my head had just spun round. I had no idea what I was meant to say to that! After the meeting she left quickly which was a relief.
Came home and told Denise which was good as my head was a bit messed up. We decided that I should tell Alma. That night and the next morning my head was definitely not right. I was even sort of looking forward to therapy, to talk about the night before and about my brother. But therapy was not a good session, it felt like Deena didn't want to be there, and that she was bored. She questioned my boundaries if I told Alma about Monique, and didn't want to talk about how I felt about what happened, just about what I should do with it. I told her about my brother, and she said it was good, but that's it. I really began to feel uncomfortable and wanted to leave. I started telling her about seeing Elliott, but felt that she wasn't listening so stopped speaking in the middle of it and she didn't even notice. Not a good session, and it really made me think that maybe I should stop seeing her as I felt way worse after than before.
I went chanting with Ali in the evening, I nearly didn't go but am pleased that I went as it quietened my head. I also called Alma just before and told her briefly about Monique, felt good to tell someone so that it wasn't all on me anymore.
On Wednesday I went to Peckham for the interview, got lost going which was a nightmare, but it was good and it looks like I will get more money than I thought which is good. The drive is a nightmare and I am certainly not looking forward to getting there and back twice a week. Still, it should be very good experience.
Denise has been really tired lately, really drained and I have been worried about her. I sometimes am sitting with her in the kitchen and I want to leave, but find it hard to do that when we are talking, and it seems that Denise has been feeling that a lot. She told me on Wednesday that she is so tired cos she is finding it hard having someone living in the house. I said that if she needed some space then she just had to say so, and that I wouldn't be hurt, and that sometimes I felt that I needed more space. After I felt about it and the way that she said it makes it sound like I am the sole reason for her feeling so tired, and that hurt. She also said it in the kitchen when she was about to go out, and when one of her boys and his friend were at the table, hardly the time to talk. I know that I have talked to her a lot about whats been going on in my life, and probably too much, but she listened, and there has been a lot of stuff going on for me at the moment. And today Denise told me that she is 'hoping to make it work' meaning that she is thinking of asking me to move out, which would mean that I am screwed. I cannot afford to move house again, and the thought of finding somewhere to live with the dogs fills me with fear and dread. I just feel that I can't deal with it.
So today I have been in my room all day, other than when I fed the dogs and walked from my room to the front door and back. I saw Denise briefly this afternoon, which is when she said that she wanted it to work, but I couldn't get to my room fast enough. My room does my head in though, and I always find my mood plummets the more time that I spend in it, but I will have to adjust, cos if hiding myself in there all the time means that I don't have to move then it is worth it. Denise is going away for ten days tomorrow, so hopefully that will help, and when she comes back I will hide in my room more. But today I feel low, and shame as I feel like I am bad in some way, and that's why she doesn't like me. Also aware that she would have talked to Alma about me and that makes me feel lots of shame as I don't want Alma to think badly of me. I want to cry, a lot, but I just can't let go and cry, it has been ages since I cried. But I feel hurt and unloved and very scared about what will happen if I have to move. Sometimes I just feel that life is just too fucking hard, and I can't deal with it. Everything seems like such a battle and so hard, I just want a break. Probably sounds like I am in self pity, and maybe I am. I just hate living like this, and with this fear and insecurity. And I just want to be ok, and for everyone to think that everything is ok, but it isn't. And I wish that I could feel like I could go into therapy and dump everything, but I can't, but the thought of telling her that I want to stop seeing her scares me, but it is a waste of time and money at the moment I think.
I don't know, hopefully the next week will be easier!!! I fucking need it.