email

Pia,
Thank you so much for talking to Margarita, I really appreciate it and am very grateful. I spoke to Margarita, who suggested that I go to Santa Monica for 10-15 days to work with her. I am really keen to do the work, I think that I am in less denial right now than I have ever been about my trauma and the impact that it has had. But I do have some concerns, and hope that it is ok for me to share them with you.
I am very concerned about the money, I am a student, and I am not currently in paid employment, I have savings but they are getting less and less, and I am worried about using what would pretty much be the last of them to go and do therapy with someone that I don't know. I know that out of everyone that you know you have suggested Margarita, and I really trust your recommendation, but I am worried that I might spend all this money to go out there and for some reason not trust her, and I won't get as much out of the time there as I could. But then I know that when I went out to Survivors I didn't know who I was going to have then either and I still took the risk.
Going to the Meadows to do Survivors was a big commitment, and I didn't think that I would be in the position so soon, of spending a lot of money to go back out to America for more therapy. I am angry at my parent's, as I think that they should be paying, although I know that they never would. I think that after Survivors, which I had hoped would be my big expensive therapy commitment, I am scared of making another big financial commitment, and then still needing more. And I know that there is no cure, or fix, so I hope that you know what I mean by that. I guess I am wondering if there is another option that is a bit less expensive, or do you think that this really is my only choice?
I really do want to do this work, but the money thing really scares me, I have never been very good with money, and I do have financial insecurity, and I suppose that part of me wonders if I really need to do this, am I making a big deal out of, well, not nothing, but out of something that isn't such a big deal. But writing that totally contradicts what I just said about not being in denial. I think that I am a little confused, and scared, to go all that way to work with someone that I don't know is scary. I have no idea what I am asking you here, sorry, and I know that you can't tell me what to do, or make and guarantees. And there is part of me, and I don't think that this will surprise you, that wants to please you, and thinks that if I don't do this then you won't, well I don't think that you wouldn't like me, but that you would think less of me maybe.
Something else that I wanted to share with you was that yesterday I was walking in the park and I saw a little girl, she was crying and I looked at her and wondered how old she was, decided that she was definitely older than two, but younger than five, so about three or maybe four. And I watched her, and I saw how small she was, and how she was defenseless, and if you told me what was happening to me at that age was happening to her, there could be no way that she was responsible for that, she was too small and not developed enough to do that, or cause that. I wanted to go and hug her, she was crying and I wanted to tell her that it was ok, but obviously I didn't! But I felt sad, and a little angry, I have been feeling quite angry about all this lately, which is a new thing, and a good thing I think cos I think that I can see that I didn't deserve this.
Thank you for listening to all this, I feel that it is rambling nonsense, but I have tried to be honest, and I hope that I don't sound too crazy. It does amaze me how I can see things so clearly and rationally when it comes to a client, but when it comes to me I am totally useless. Sitting here right now I think that I do know that I need to do a lot more work, and that doing it can only help me and make life better, but I am just very scared of the financial commitment. My head is obviously going round and round with this, as I feel like I could ramble on some more, so I better stop. I hope that this makes some sense to you, sorry that it is so long.
x

That is the email that I sent to Pia this morning, telling her how I am feeling about going to Santa Monica to see the therapist that she suggested. I think that the email sounds a bit insane, but hopefully she didn't think so. She got back to me only a few hours later, saying that what I was feeling was ok, and that she supports me in being moderate, and she suggested a few alternatives, including doing a Survivors week here in London, or going to the Meadows and doing a three day workshop with her, which is training, but you get to work on your stuff too. So I have emailed the Meadows to ask about that, and emailed the London place that does Survivors. I still can't quite believe that I am emailing Pia, and that she is being so nice, she wants me to get back to her over the weekend.
And I ended the last post saying that I wanted to tell you about hte little girl in the park, and I said about that in the email, so now you know. Pia said that she felt that it was really significant and would help me a lot in my inner child work. And she feels that I will have more things like that happen after the work that she did.
I didn't get to sleep until gone 4am again, I hate it! And then I slept late, which means that I haven't got as far as I hoped so far today, but it is only 4.30pm, and I have made a lot more progress than the other days, so that is good. But there is still just so much to do. I really have way to much stuff, but now I am worried about taking the time to go to a charity shop to take stuff, so do I throw it away? Or keep it and take it later (yeah right), or what. And my stuff is going to two places, one is storage, so I can't just throw things in boxes, I have to decide where I want it to go and then put it in something that will get it there. I hate it, and hope to not have to move for a long time.
And ten minutes ago I remembered that someone was coming to look round the flat now, so had a bit of a mad panic as the place is not a tip, but there are boxes and bits around, which is to be expected, so I just moved a few things and thought that I would write here while I am waiting. They are five minutes late.
I wonder if anyone has strayed accross my blog yet, and read any of it, I doubt that they were very interested and would choose to return, but I do wonder if anyone is out there.
I am definately feeling more stressed today, the moving date is very close and I am stressed about it, and the whole therapy thing, and finding a job. All in all a lot going on and I need to give myself credit for that.
Well, it is now many hours later, have had a fairly productive day today, which is great, but there is still just sooooooooo much to do. Feeling really good about the email I got from Pia, and a bit shocked that I am lucky enough to be doing this with her. And I am excited about the possibility of going back to Arizona, I just love that place, but I need to think carefully about the money.
So, it is 11pm, and I am going to pack some more, I have realised that I hate packing up kitchens, hate it with having to be so careful with fragile stuff. Anyway, best get going and on with it!