So, day three of blogging, and today it has been on my mind a little, I was even looking forward to writing it. Maybe cos a lot has happened since yesterday.
I got an email from Pia, suggesting a therapist that she wants me to see. So I emailed the therapist, Margarita, and she emailed me her phone number, so I called her. She is in Santa Monica, California, so quite a way from London! She wants me to go out for 10-15 days, and she will do PIT and EMDR on me, she said that she can book me into a cheap hotel within walking distance, and that I can walk to the beach and shops and stuff too. Sounds great! Margarita is Greek, and I recon about 50.
So, in theory that sounds great, lots of therapy and a chance to deal with a lot of stuff, but, and of course there is a but, the money is a massive issue! It won't be cheap to fly there, stay there and have therapy there. And I don't know Margarita, nothing about her, I might pay all of this money and go out there and there might be something about her that I don't like, and that blocks how effective working her will be. It feels like a risk, I know that Pia has recommended her over everyone else, and that has to count for something, but still, I do not have money to spare. However, if I had to spend the same amount of money to go and see Pia and have therapy with her, then without a doubt I would do it, I would sell everything to do it! But unfortunately it isn't Pia. So I don't know what to do. I think that I will email Pia and tell her what I am thinking and see what she has to say.
But for now I really need to concentrate on packing and moving and getting through that! Sleeping would help, managed to get to sleep at about 4am, and then had to drag myself out of bed. It makes it hard to be productive in the day.
When Pia was working on me she said that she wanted me to find a three year old, so that I could see how small she was, and how she couldn't be making things happen to her, like what happened to me, that I blame myself for. So today in the park I saw a little girl in a white dress, she was crying, and I looked at her, and she was obviously over two, but under four, so I figured she was about three. And I looked at her, and she was so little, so small and no way was she mature enough to make things happen to her. It made me feel sad. That little girl was innocent and there is no way that she would be able to comprehend things that I had going on when I was that age.
And today I saw Deena, my therapist who I have seen five times now. I was worried about seeing her, she reminds me of my mother a little, and sometimes I think that she is quite judgemental, and I am scared of her. I didn't want to tell her about Pia and the work that we did, cos I didn't think that she would approve. I did tell her some stuff, but I definitely minimised the work that Pia and I did. I felt that Deena was a bit defensive, which was ok, I can understand that, but she did seem to not approve of some of what Pia did. And at one point I said something and Deena said 'is that what that Mellody woman said?' I didn't like that, and she said that Pia was hammering home points, and she likes to go slower, I said that Pia had not hammered anything. It is hard cos I really think that PIT works, and I want to work with it, and want someone to work with it on me, and Deena has never heard of it, although some of what she says is similar. I don't know, haven't decided whether it will work with Deena. And I didn't tell her anything about this therapist in Santa Monica!!! I couldn't begin to imagine what she would say about that.
I don't know, I feel confused. And now my ex-therapist has called for a chat, so that might help, or make things more confusing!
Right, I am back, and it is about four hours later and I have been on the phone most of that time, to different people though! Was good speaking to Hilary, she is a bigger Pia fan than I am, so it was great to share about what happened with someone who could understand how big a deal it was. She also said a few times about how far I have come, and how much I have changed over time, and what a miracle that is, it was good to hear, and also good that I can see changes in myself. Was nice to talk to Hilary, I miss her, she was always such a support and it is hard not having her there as much sometimes. She said not to make any quick decisions on going to America for more therapy, and that I just need to concentrate on moving, which is right, there is just so much to do it is unbelievable, I am really not sure that it is going to get done.
Also spoke to Alison, who was supportive and told me that I have a huge amount of stuff going on right now and that I need to give myself time after the move to recover, and how impressed she is with how I am handling things. Also spoke to Cathey, who has been amazing over all of this, really supportive and giving me time to talk, which has been great and very much appreciated.
But it is now nearly midnight, and I am so tired, and I have so much to do tomorrow, so if I can get to sleep I need to try. Very much hope that I do, and that I don't lie there for hours like I have been.
Didn't talk about the little girl in the park, will hopefully remember to do that tomorrow, but now I need to go to bed.
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