feeling low

Having a bit of a shit day today, feeling tired and low and just want to isolate. But I can't, I no longer live alone dammit! Also feel as though I am in the way at home, and that they don't want me around all the time, especially as I have to sit at the kitchen table to get a consistent Internet connection, but I don't know if I am just making that up. I am the first lodger that they have had so maybe there is some truth to that, but it is probably mainly cos I am feeling low in myself, I hope so anyway.
Went to Ikea today and got some shelves, they didn't have the ones that I wanted to had to spend a bit more money, which was annoying, but will be so good when they are up. I had meatballs while I was there, they are good but I didn't really enjoy them.
Came home and slept, I am just so damn tired at the moment, and that certainly isn't helping matters at all. Walked the dogs, which was good to do, it is a lovely day. My sponsor called and I talked to her for a bit but I totally wasn't honest about what is going on and how I am feeling. Not good.
I didn't enjoy therapy much yesterday, I was so detached from myself and resistant to reconnecting so that made it hard. She got me to draw my feelings and what I use to keep them in with crayons, found that really hard.
I got an email from Pia, which was good, although it did confuse things. She basically told me to keep things simple at the moment, which I think was a very good suggestion, think that I was a little insane in my last email to her. She seems to think that the London Survivors is a good idea, and I finally heard that they have space on the one in October. So, did I do that? I really wanted to go to Arizona, I love it so much there, and there is something about going and dumping my stuff and then getting on a plane again, and not knowing anyone, so that did go round my head. In the end I called Hilary and she was really surprised that Pia thinks that I need to do yet another Survivors, she said that for her this is about getting on with living her life, it did make me think that Hilary really doesn't know what is going on with me anymore, especially as she asked if I feel that I still have stuff to deal with, she really doesn't know me anymore. She said that the 3 day workshop with Pia was great, she got chosen by Pia to be demonstrated on and Pia did a full day of work on her, so that sounds even better, but Pia may not pick me (although I would be gutted if she didn't!), but I can't do that until next year.
I also feel a little bit scared of telling Pia that I am not going to do this Survivors, although Hilary did say that there are 8 people on it, which is a lot, and that he doesn't debrief people. At the Meadows there are 6 people in a group and that is more than enough, so with 8 you really wouldn't get much work done on you, although Pia would speak to him and tell him what she thinks he should do.
I slept on it and really think that I don't want to do it, but wonder how much of that is fear talking, rather than anything else. And next year feels like so far away, and this stuff is right here and hurting and needs to be looked at. Such a shame that I can't talk to Deena about it, she just really doesn't seem to like me talking about what I did with Pia. I don't know, I feel really confused about it all, and just want someone to tell me what to do! Pia said that this will all work out, and I have to have faith in that, but I want to know how?!
I really am aware at the moment of how I detach and don't show my true feelings to others, or to myself, and Hilary's reaction to me needing to do more work shows that. I just block it out and cope, but then it all gets too much and I can't keep doing that all the time. It is not healthy for me and I need to not do it. But right now I am feeling quite alone, don't feel that I can talk to Nicola, as she is funny about the Pia stuff, Hilary has no idea about things, and has enough of her own stuff going on, and I have cut pretty much everyone else out of my life, so they may still be there but only in a superficial way, not in a deep way. I guess there is Alison, and I did talk to her before a little, but I find it so hard. Something that I definitely need to work on I think, for my own sake.
I really feel like I just want to curl up and cry, but I just can't let myself cry, should try the breathing stuff that Pia showed me I guess. That would probably help, emotional regulation Pia calls it. I hope that if I don't do this Survivors she doesn't give up on me, feel like I have messed her around a little.
anyway, going to leave this here, otherwise I will just moan on. Thanks for listening.