I haven't written since Thursday, and it is now Tuesday, I did try to post, but spent so long between starting it and sending it that it wouldn't go through.
I have been bloody busy though, so I think that I should be let off. I have moved, so now live in London again. The move was a nightmare, but actually went pretty well, I was more organised than I thought I think, it was a really hot day moving though, and my new small room is not set up for all my stuff! I still have heaps of stuff dumped in it, need to sort it all out, need some shelves as I have heaps of books.
The rest of my stuff is in my Grandmother's garage, and that went in well. I chatted to her for a bit after and she was going on about whether I am wasting my life, seems that my family have been saying that to her. It has really hurt me, bought up a lot of sadness and anger that has lasted a few days.
Anyway, so I am moved, the dogs seem to be really conent here, they relaxed very quickly which is great, that helps me to feel at home. If I could just unpack and sort that would be good! I have been so tired, it is three months now of not sleeping, and it is taking its toll, but since I moved here I have had a couple of nights with a little more sleep, and I have been feeling even worse for it!!!! Which I am not happy about. I have been so tired that I can't even think of words, or think!
I went to NA last night, was strange to be back in a meeting round here, was really nice to see some old faces though, and to feel welcomed back. The group needs a treasurer and they were looking at me, said that I needed to have a few weeks to work out what meetings I was going to do etc, but it was nice to be asked.
It has been really hot here, 30C which is amazing, it rained last night and today they said that there would be heavy rain, but there is blue sky, although it isn't as warm, but it is 8am. I am up and waiting for the Sky man to come and connect Sky in my room, I am a bit of a tv addict and have been really impressed how I haven't missed it, and last night I was even thinking about whether I really wanted it in my room, as once it is there I will probably watch heaps of it again. But hopefully less than before.
I went to Regent's Park on Sunday in the sun for a picnic for school, it was nice, only four of us but we chatted and laughed, pleased that I went although I was really tired.
I have been doing ok, but aware that I have been running from my feelings since I got back, trying to do everything for the move, and I am a little scared of stopping and letting them catch up to me. Think that I have loads still to process from what happened with Pia. And talking of her, I emailed her on Sunday but have yet to hear back, really hope that I hear soon, my head doesn't think nice things when she takes her time replying. Anyway, I know that my feelings will come, whatever I do, when I have been feeling I have felt really really sad, I don't want to have had the childhood that I did, I really wish that I didn't, and it makes me really sad to think about it. I keep thinking of Pia telling me that I am an orphan, always was and always will be, that really hurts to hear.
I have therapy this afternoon, really not looking forward to it, last week was not fun and I was playing games, not being honest and denying feelings, hopefully today will be a little better.
So, that's about it really.