depression

have had a tough few days really. Monday I felt that I was ok, but was aware that I wasn't, clear that I was blocking and supressing my feelings. Went to NA and had trouble sitting there, just wanted to leave and certainly didn't want to share as I wasn't feel positive in any way, and didn't want to give a negative share that wouldn't be good for the newcomer. In the end I did share, and it was good to do so. Talked about wanting to smoke, and feeling like shit and about not wanting to share etc. Talked to someone after the meeting which helped too.
Tuesday I didn't want to go to therapy, didn't want to risk feeling the feelings that I felt last week, so I went in and didn't want to talk about anything. We had lots of silence, which was ok, but I felt like I was wasting the session and being difficult, so that made it uncomfortable. Deena tried a bit to get me to talk about things, but I wouldn't go there. My defenses were so built up that nothing was going to break it down. Deena asked me about support and if I had people that I shared with, I said that there were people that I could share with, but I generally didn't. This week I have told everyone that I am ok. She offered to see me for an extra session if I wanted support. I figured that it was only worth having an extra session if I was going to be prepared to have feelings. Deena also suggested that I am depressed, something that in the week I had decided was the case.
Then I watched a programme last night on tv about pedigree dogs, it was shocking, talked about inbreeding and hereditatry conditions. They said that Cavaliers are the sickest dog breed in England, which was horrible to hear. It really disturbed me.
Woke up today feeling a little bit brighter which was good. I got the form from uni to re-enrol for the second year, so filled that in and sent it, was great to not have to send any money as I have funding. That was just so so good! And that cheered me up.
Walked to the local shops, had McDonalds for lunch, and wondered around a little. Was nice. Feeling tired though. Tomorrow I am babysitting for my neice who is 11 months, I am looking forward to that a lot, even though my sister is supervising me.