a long time

It has been ages since I wrote, and I have been meaning to write but had lots to say and it was never the 'right' time.
Trying to think back now to what has happened. Therapy on Tuesday was good, had heaps to talk about, things going on with Jane and someone from uni who had been emailing me telling me lots of things about her childhood. Towards the end we started talking about my mother, and I was saying how she only married my father because he had good prospects, and not out of love. Deena said 'so she sold her soul to the devil' and the first thing that came into my head, and I did say it, was 'and then she sold mine' and that really hurt, realising that is what happened. I said that I felt like crying, but that I couldn't do that. She asked why, and I told her how as a child I was laughed at, and teased for crying. And then I told her how my father, when he would come into my room at night, would be rougher and make it hurt more if I cried. And for some reason I really connected to the pain that the little girl would have felt, and it hurt like hell. When I told her that she sighed, which I didn't like, it was like she was thinking how bad it all was, and I just try so hard to disconnect from that. She did tell me that she thinks that I am doing amazingly well. I wanted to leave the room, I just couldn't sit with it, it hurt too bad. That was the end of the session, and when I left I was really aware of wanting to stop my feelings, I wanted to eat or do anything to stop them.
And over the next few days I kept running the words 'she sold her soul to the devil' and 'then she sold mine' through my head. It wasn't nice. And I felt tired, the session and subsequent feelings really took their toll on me. Although of course I did well detaching from those feelings, but I think that they have still been there, underneath and subconsciously.
Wednesday I spent the day filling in the form for the tenancy tribunal, as I am fighting some of the charges that they want me to pay from my place in Hitchin. Not happy and wish that I didn't have to do it. It took hours, and wasn't easy. And at the same time I had my uni friend emailing me, feeling terrible after I set a boundary with her, and I was trying to read through another uni friends assignment that she has had to rewrite. It was full on and very draining, but I got the form done and sent it recorded delivery. Am impressed that I did that, previously I would never have fought for that, I just would have paid it.
And then in the evening I went to another uni friends house for dinner, and she wanted me to read her two assignments that she has to rewrite. I really never ever expected to be the one helping other people, I always truly believed that I was stupid, and so it amazes me that I passed and don't have to retake, and that others are asking me for their help.
On Thursday I went to South London to the treatment centre, it was a full on day, lots of feelings going on. The therapists there hope that I do work there, and were talking about giving me 1:1 clients, which would be great, but really scary. I felt really tired and drained, really felt that I needed to take it easy for a bit.
Friday I went to Trent Park with Denise and the dogs, had a lovely walk, really enjoyed it and it was a nice day. We then had lunch at the cafe. Then we went to a pet shop for dogs food, which was good. It was a nice day, but it felt quite busy.
Saturday I went with Denise to the local park as there was a fair on, we watched a dog agility show which was good, but the rest was disappointing. Took it easy for a bit and then got ready to go chanting. Nikki wasn't doing it which was a real shame, and none of us liked the woman who was taking it, and the woman didn't realise that most of the room wasn't into it. I was really looking forward to it, but by the end of it I couldn't wait for it to finish. And we had to move and jump and massage people. On the way home Denise and I got fish and chips which was yummy and a nice treat.
For some reason for the last couple of days I have been really thinking about smoking, and wanting to have a cigarette, I really have been thinking about it a lot. I don't feel like I am having many feelings, so it must be subconscious or something, cos I really am thinking about it a lot, far more than for a long long long time. In about two weeks it will be 18 months since I last smoked. I really don't like it, cos I really think that if there had been a packet of cigarettes here I would have smoked one, and that is a bit scary really. I hope that it doesn't last. I think that something is going on, cos the last couple of nights I haven't been sleeping as well too.
So that's about it, I am sure that there is more. Would like to email Pia, but her last email kind of felt like it was saying that she will see me in March now. She did say that it would be 'great' to see me, which I liked, not nice or good, but great. Anyway, we shall see.