lump

Pia emailed me back only a few hours later, she thinks that I am ready to face my childhood and get acceptance. Pleased that she thinks so! She also said to keep in touch which is good.
I have had a quiet few days, I've been really tired lately, sleeping late and slow to get going in the day which isn't good really, but it keeps happening. I know a few people who are the same though, so maybe there is something in the air!
My drugged dog also seems to be more stressed the last couple of days again, which isn't good, and which is strange as nothing has changed to stress her out. I hope that it is just a temporary change in her!
Yesterday in the shower I felt a lump in one of my breasts, I am due on any day so wasn't that worried as I know that breasts often get lumpy at that time of the month. I hardly thought about it but later told my flatmate and after that I kept thinking about it and worrying, it was like once I shared it it became real. Many times I have wished to get cancer, so that I could die and it would be seen as a tragedy but I wouldn't have had to commit suicide, and now here I am, finally wanting to live, with dreams and plans, and I find a lump. I know that it is very unlikely to be anything, but I do have a family history of cancer. I shared about it in NA that night, and felt so scared about it, just don't feel like I could deal with that at the moment, not with uni and everything. But I know that thinking that is getting way ahead of myself. Then we have the fear of doctors, and the total lack of self care that I have had for many years, and so this means that I may actually need to go to the doctor, something that is really hard, especially as they would have to touch me, and touch my breast. Even a female doctor wouldn't be easy at all. I have never even had a smear test, just can't face that.
Today in the shower I felt the lump again, still there but my breasts are quite lumpy at the moment, due to the time of the month, so I really don't think that it is anything to worry about. And I know that the doctor wouldn't do anything until after my period anyway. But still, it is scary and hard not to let my head run with it a little, but I know that I need to work on not doing that. It won't help.
I am about to go and have therapy, so don't want to go, at all. It has been really hard lately, and for all Pia saying that she thinks that I am ready, everything about how I am in therapy suggests that isn't true. Although having said that I know that it is true, I just am not sure that I am trying to do it with the right person.
Got a call from the treatment centre in south london, need to call the manager tomorrow but it sounds good for me to work there two days a week, which is great. I would do groups and one to one's which would be scary but great experience. Just a shame that they don't pay more than travel expenses.
Anyway, I will try and write more often as it is good for me to do that. Wonder if anyone has stumbled across any of these and actually read them. Wouldn't think that they would return.