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Dear Pia,
Nearly two weeks ago I was talking to someone about something that happened when I was six, it wasn't anything bad but it made me think about me at six and what was going on, I suddenly felt deep pain, unlike anything that I have felt before, it was almost unbearable and totally took me by surprise. I don't think that I have ever really thought about how it was for her at six, with her father coming in in the night, and a mother who hated her, and the pain that she must have been in. It was like for just a minute I had true acceptance of what happened, and allowed myself to feel the pain around that.
My response was to detach from my feelings, it was automatic and I did it without thinking. But since then I have continued to try and not have any feelings, I think that I think that if I allow myself to feel anything then it might lead to me feeling that pain again, so I try not to feel anything, which isn't really working as I am sure you know. For a week I felt very depressed, although that isn't so bad anymore, but I am certainly not feeling right, far from it, and I am surprised at how this has affected me. I remember you saying that you felt that I was scared of my three year old because I didn't want to feel her pain, and that made so much sense to me, and the work that we did with her was really hard, and it scares me that the three year old is nothing like the six year old when it comes to pain. And it scares me that the pain is somewhere inside me, and always has been, I just haven't accessed it before.
I have found it really difficult to talk to anyone about this, which is probably why it is still affecting me. In a way it kind of feels like a burden that I am carrying and not sharing, as I am trying to pretend to people that everything is fine again, which is very old behavior, but I don't feel safe sharing it with many people, which is probably why I am emailing you, and I hope that is ok.
I hope that you are well,

Just about to email this, I hope that I don't sound too fucked up. Sometimes I am really scared that people will think that I am too messed up to be working in this field, I hope that is just my fear and isn't reality. I hope that Pia replies, but I am sending it just cos I really needed to share it with someone safe. will try and write more soon.